Friday Friday

It's been a month since I wrote here, which I find hard to imagine on one hand, but the holidays were chaotic. On that hand, it's easy to imagine. I had a great holiday, followed by a sinus clearing blowout with the Hunky Latino. I don't know where that's going now, and I'm trying to live with it, since the only way I really CAN know is to pull the plug on it all myself, and I don't know that I think that's the right thing to do.

I mean, I like him, but the whole relationship has been built upon the recovery from my divorce, and the timing stinks. I didn't set out to meet someone, not really, and when he fell into my lap (so to speak), I know I wasn't ready for him... but he's so attractive, and we had so much fun together, I told myself I'd be all right anyway. Well, I wasn't, but in my own defense, I don't know that I think he was, either. Neither of us have been markedly good at communicating our true feelings or needs to one another... he because in his role of Hispanic I-Am-All-Things-to-All-People, so-I-Have-No-Needs-for-You-to-Meet, and with my I-Am-Still-Reeling-That-My-Husband-Left-Me, so-I-Can't-Ask-for-Anything-from-You-for-Fear-of-Being-Rejected. What a pas de deux.

So last weekend he sprung the, "Why don't we take a break to find out how we really feel about each other?" on me, and I was torn between terror ("I can't lose again!") and relief ("FINALLY he speaks about his inclinations!"). I accepted what he said... I've lost so much more than a casual boyfriend in the last year... but I added that what I really wished would happen was a chance for us to really talk to each other. We hadn't ever done that. So we did. For four hours. Then we ate some dinner and continued talking... and it was a revelation.

I've done as much thinking since that conversation as we did talking while it was happening, and I realize now how much damage the divorce did to me, in retrospect. I don't know if our relationship is built on the sand of that event in my life, and I don't know if we will overcome the bad habits we've developed, the reticence, as a result... but we're going to keep seeing each other for now with this new honesty opened between us, and we're going to see where it goes.

This would all be a lot easier if he weren't so cute.

We are putting a moratorium on spending time with each others' families for the duration, though. If we're going to stay together into the future, there'll be time enough for the families, but for now, I think we need to focus on what's going on between the two of us. To that end, I'm going to Dallas this weekend by myself. One of my bachelor uncles is visiting my uncle who lives there, and this is a premium chance for me to marinate in the people who really do and who have always been a part of my life. It's a time to reinforce myself for myself. After all, this man verbalized the possibility that we still may part ways in another few weeks... why bother entrenching him in the people who matter to me, if he might absent himself subsequently? Let us find out if the relationship deserves that kind of homage.