Easter
Well, I think I've eliminated the issue with the cute math teacher... I don't know that he realized matters between the HL and me are ongoing. When I said no, they're not resolved yet, I didn't hear back from him at all. So... if he didn't know I'm not thoroughly available, and if that bothers him, then perhaps now he wants nothing to do with me.
Or, he got busy and just didn't write back.
It doesn't matter. The math teacher is a lovely, gracious, very tall and attractive man who has no vested interest in my life, so he ought to be easy to jettison, and not having him there should make it possible for me to focus on the HL, because the feelings there are THERE, and while he's made it clear that while he's in blitz-work mode there is no time to untangle a relationship, at the same time, the more we continue seeing each other, the more (on my end) the relationship continues to grow.
Our physical life has fallen far by the wayside lately, which I'm attributing to the busy-ness that's pervading both of our lives. He's been working mostly 12+ hour days, and I've been on the run with graduate school too, so often we tend to "meet in the middle" for dinner, then continue home to our own corners of the world. Hard to get hot and heavy in the dining room of a Chili's.
I was analyzing our progress through the four stages of falling in love that I read on the interent. According to the site, the first stage is assumption, which is gauging whether the person is desireable or possible to love. I think we're both quite past that. It's been two years, and if the assumption doesn't work, then neither party gets anywhere.
The second stage is attraction, which goes deeper than desireability on a primordial level to see if the person DESERVES to be loved. Does the family approve? What does the peer group say? How does the couple seem to fit together? I think the HL challenges me and my thinking a good deal, but in my life, I see a pattern of finding such men attractive. We are there for each other outside of our own needs, and we continue exploring.
Then comes infatuation, the onset of feelings as inspired by the other person as a result of the connection. Mine are mostly BAD. There are times when I look at him, mostly when he doesn't know I'm watching or has fallen asleep, when he seems so sweet, I almost can't bear it. But would I feel like that about anybody? If I have to assess it, I think we're stuck somewhere in this level, the third level our of four. We know one another, and we're aware of one another, but we haven't jumped to mature love.
Mature love, according to this website, makes it all about the other person. The love just is. It doesn't matter if the person is perfect or wonderful, the love is a thing, and it will not change, like the air we breathe.
Now that I type this out, I see that he himself is stuck at the third stage... he wants a perpetual infatuation in order to protect his feelings, and he doesn't get that letting go actually can move him forward into a deeper and more meaningful relationship than he's ever had. Maybe not with me... but ever. I have no utter faith that he won't hurt me no matter what, as I'd want to have in mature love, and as I WOULD have in mature love, which is whole and a gift and immutable.
Can we get to that?
We need to talk about it.
I may need to make an appointment with him to resolve this. Once and for all. And none of that friend bullshit. I mean, we either are capable of mature love, even if we aren't there quite yet, or we're not. Either we're capable of committing ourselves to the us to work out problems, well, then we deserve a chance to air that out and find out what's on his mind, but in mature love, those things don't matter. They're fluff on the radar and have nothing to do with the target.
By this assessment, perhaps I can end it myself, on the strength of what I realize.
That's very scary thought. It makes my stomach drop. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, perhaps I'm not really losing anything I really want, and that hurts, too. To think that.
Or, he got busy and just didn't write back.
It doesn't matter. The math teacher is a lovely, gracious, very tall and attractive man who has no vested interest in my life, so he ought to be easy to jettison, and not having him there should make it possible for me to focus on the HL, because the feelings there are THERE, and while he's made it clear that while he's in blitz-work mode there is no time to untangle a relationship, at the same time, the more we continue seeing each other, the more (on my end) the relationship continues to grow.
Our physical life has fallen far by the wayside lately, which I'm attributing to the busy-ness that's pervading both of our lives. He's been working mostly 12+ hour days, and I've been on the run with graduate school too, so often we tend to "meet in the middle" for dinner, then continue home to our own corners of the world. Hard to get hot and heavy in the dining room of a Chili's.
I was analyzing our progress through the four stages of falling in love that I read on the interent. According to the site, the first stage is assumption, which is gauging whether the person is desireable or possible to love. I think we're both quite past that. It's been two years, and if the assumption doesn't work, then neither party gets anywhere.
The second stage is attraction, which goes deeper than desireability on a primordial level to see if the person DESERVES to be loved. Does the family approve? What does the peer group say? How does the couple seem to fit together? I think the HL challenges me and my thinking a good deal, but in my life, I see a pattern of finding such men attractive. We are there for each other outside of our own needs, and we continue exploring.
Then comes infatuation, the onset of feelings as inspired by the other person as a result of the connection. Mine are mostly BAD. There are times when I look at him, mostly when he doesn't know I'm watching or has fallen asleep, when he seems so sweet, I almost can't bear it. But would I feel like that about anybody? If I have to assess it, I think we're stuck somewhere in this level, the third level our of four. We know one another, and we're aware of one another, but we haven't jumped to mature love.
Mature love, according to this website, makes it all about the other person. The love just is. It doesn't matter if the person is perfect or wonderful, the love is a thing, and it will not change, like the air we breathe.
Now that I type this out, I see that he himself is stuck at the third stage... he wants a perpetual infatuation in order to protect his feelings, and he doesn't get that letting go actually can move him forward into a deeper and more meaningful relationship than he's ever had. Maybe not with me... but ever. I have no utter faith that he won't hurt me no matter what, as I'd want to have in mature love, and as I WOULD have in mature love, which is whole and a gift and immutable.
Can we get to that?
We need to talk about it.
I may need to make an appointment with him to resolve this. Once and for all. And none of that friend bullshit. I mean, we either are capable of mature love, even if we aren't there quite yet, or we're not. Either we're capable of committing ourselves to the us to work out problems, well, then we deserve a chance to air that out and find out what's on his mind, but in mature love, those things don't matter. They're fluff on the radar and have nothing to do with the target.
By this assessment, perhaps I can end it myself, on the strength of what I realize.
That's very scary thought. It makes my stomach drop. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, perhaps I'm not really losing anything I really want, and that hurts, too. To think that.
posted by bluedana @ 6:13 AM
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