These Are the Days

So... what? Well, he and I had a disquieting conversation on Easter night that made me somewhat approach him regarding his intentions with me. We were discussing his sister's impending divorce and that I want to break her husband's kneecaps. He started spouting the same rhetoric that, in January, made us allegedly break up about "sometimes people change" and "accept it, don't fight it." I went home somewhat disturbed.

The next day I bit the bullet and asked him about it. I reiterated that if he really believes that about relationships, then I don't know how to reconcile it with what he said in January about us having potential to go the distance and keep promises we'd extend to each other. He clarified that in talking about "people" he isn't talking about "me and you" for whom he still maintains what he said in January is true. Then he speculated I'd never be able to see the difference between general conversations about relationships and our specific situation. Well, hearing that tidbit rankled, so I pointed out its inherent unfairness (this was the FIRST time we'd discussed relationships in months, and asking for clarification about something that confused me isn't casting aspersions or doubts as to his word... so his saying I was establishing a pattern wasn't reasonable) and he granted the point, however gruffly.

The HL had a good visit yesterday... on many levels... and as I sit here, I feel pretty good about him. At the same time, the math teacher has returned to my orbit... he wanted to get margaritas Friday, and I almost capitulated, but I'm just not comfortable meeting this particular coworker after work, not without serious resolution on the HL front. When I mentioned the possibility of drinks to the HL, he was like, "Go if you want to go; you're a grown woman," but I said that I didn't think it was appropriate, and if the tables were turned, I myself wouldn't be comfortable with HIM going out with an attractive coworker who had established her interest in him... I think his approach is threefold... "Let her go to do as she pleases (because seeing what it pleases her to do is quite revealing); drinks after work aren't important anyway, and either I trust her or I don't and have confidence in myself or I don't, and I do." I would like to ask him... as a part of me would love to hear, "Excuse me, you're having drinks with WHOM?" But I can have drinks with other men who haven't been flirting with me for months or stuck that relationship vibe out there, and that IS okay. With the math teacher, for me myself, it's just not okay. He's attractive, and he's altogether too tempting.

So... no, I've not made any progress insofar as the de jure aspect of our relationship, but I think I have made de facto progress. Rejecting the math teacher also sends a message of my intentions to the HL. Sticking up for myself does, too. And that's progress for ME, to stand up as MYSELF, that was hard in my marraige and throughout the past two years.