Abba Father
I've been thinking a lot about God tonight. I've been thinking about how my life is going, and I've revisited the idea that good things that I want to happen don't necessarily happen becuase I want them or have worked for them. Just like salvation is a gift, not an entitlement or merit badge, so is good stuff. I mean, I want what I want, and if I thought I'd get it by making sweeping changes in my life, I'd do that... but the fact is that I might not get what I want, because I don't control everything, and this is a mighty big lesson in humility.
I want to be married in a stable relationship and have my own family... but just by wanting that, I won't necessarily get it. For Pete's sake, I thought I HAD that for six years, at least the marriage part, and it was all-too-easy for my husband to just up and leave, just to be here one day and gone the next. Though I didn't find what I wanted with him, I still do want it, and I think I owe it to myself to be the kind of person who'd have that kind of relationship, and to be the kind of woman a man like I want would value. I need to regain control of my time, my profession, my goals, my faith. While I might not get what I want, that doesn't reduce the significance I see in being worthy of it, either.
A and I have talked lately about marriage... she said I married my husband for the wrong reasons... marrying a man for the wrong reasons, she says, dooms it to fail. I don't know... I see plenty of people who got married for other reasons than encompassing love and they seem able to work hard, keep their family a priority, and stay married. She has a romantic and fulfilling marriage at which they both work very hard... both WANT to work very hard... and I didn't have that if it failed, obviously, but I don't think most people have that. While the reasons may've been wrong at least to her, I thought my husband and I were growing together and happy... at least I was. Do I want to settle for less, now that I have a chance to find it? No, of course not. But I think it might not be in the cards for me somehow. I'm willing to marry the man who will will work with me, who will fulfill his promise... who wants what I want... but she says that the love comes first, and the details you can work out together. I don't know. I don't think I'm jaded, but I see that point of view as short-sighted and not entirely realistic. I think people make the decisions they want to make, and if I'd married a man who intended to marry once and honor that commitment come hell or high water, as I did, I'd still be married, romantic notions or no. I don't know that I'd fall in love with a man who didn't have my goals and values, or who wouldn't at least be willing to share his with me and take on mine with his.
That brings me to the eternal topic, the Hunky Latino, with whom I'm rather distressed tonight. I think A sees this pseudorelationship as a real relationship with potential, but while it bears the forms of a real relationship, it isn't one. It's merely dating. I want it to be one, although probably it's stupid of me to have one, but it's just not one. What forms does it bear? I know his family pretty well by now. Our parents have met each other. We've been dating for almost a year. We spend major holidays together. We've spend most weekends together (but not last weekend, though we had plans, which is the generation of my distress).
How is it still merely dating? Though I'm almost frantic for one, we have a minimal emotional connection. I am guarded and closed around him to the point of tension. He's made it clear that he's not accountable to me or anyone, and while he'd rather not share me with anyone else, as I'd rather not share him, he'll let me know should that change. I cannot let myself depend on him, as I feel he doesn't want me to. I'm scared to divulge any needs to him, lest he let me know he won't meet them... he's not anxious to please me. Perhaps that's a hangover from my marriage, but at the same time, it's a distinct feeling nonetheless. These things are what I'd expect from a "real" relationship. They are absent from this... which sounds, when you review it, rather like "just dating."
What's really shallow of me is that if he looked like a troll, I really wonder if I'd be seeing him anymore... but he's just so attractive to me physically... that I haven't actually gone through with it. There's a part of me inside that keeps partying that this incredibly beautiful man is spending time with me.
He wants to date based on his behavior. Dating = being accountable only to himself with no merging of the minds or habits, spending social time and personal time, but not internal capital. Relationship = a romance that's going somewhere, with at least a spiritual or emotional connection and accountability. Maybe he's not sure if he wants this to go somewhere... A says that dating's about finding that out... but it's been ten months. I don't want to be wasting my time.
I want to be married in a stable relationship and have my own family... but just by wanting that, I won't necessarily get it. For Pete's sake, I thought I HAD that for six years, at least the marriage part, and it was all-too-easy for my husband to just up and leave, just to be here one day and gone the next. Though I didn't find what I wanted with him, I still do want it, and I think I owe it to myself to be the kind of person who'd have that kind of relationship, and to be the kind of woman a man like I want would value. I need to regain control of my time, my profession, my goals, my faith. While I might not get what I want, that doesn't reduce the significance I see in being worthy of it, either.
A and I have talked lately about marriage... she said I married my husband for the wrong reasons... marrying a man for the wrong reasons, she says, dooms it to fail. I don't know... I see plenty of people who got married for other reasons than encompassing love and they seem able to work hard, keep their family a priority, and stay married. She has a romantic and fulfilling marriage at which they both work very hard... both WANT to work very hard... and I didn't have that if it failed, obviously, but I don't think most people have that. While the reasons may've been wrong at least to her, I thought my husband and I were growing together and happy... at least I was. Do I want to settle for less, now that I have a chance to find it? No, of course not. But I think it might not be in the cards for me somehow. I'm willing to marry the man who will will work with me, who will fulfill his promise... who wants what I want... but she says that the love comes first, and the details you can work out together. I don't know. I don't think I'm jaded, but I see that point of view as short-sighted and not entirely realistic. I think people make the decisions they want to make, and if I'd married a man who intended to marry once and honor that commitment come hell or high water, as I did, I'd still be married, romantic notions or no. I don't know that I'd fall in love with a man who didn't have my goals and values, or who wouldn't at least be willing to share his with me and take on mine with his.
That brings me to the eternal topic, the Hunky Latino, with whom I'm rather distressed tonight. I think A sees this pseudorelationship as a real relationship with potential, but while it bears the forms of a real relationship, it isn't one. It's merely dating. I want it to be one, although probably it's stupid of me to have one, but it's just not one. What forms does it bear? I know his family pretty well by now. Our parents have met each other. We've been dating for almost a year. We spend major holidays together. We've spend most weekends together (but not last weekend, though we had plans, which is the generation of my distress).
How is it still merely dating? Though I'm almost frantic for one, we have a minimal emotional connection. I am guarded and closed around him to the point of tension. He's made it clear that he's not accountable to me or anyone, and while he'd rather not share me with anyone else, as I'd rather not share him, he'll let me know should that change. I cannot let myself depend on him, as I feel he doesn't want me to. I'm scared to divulge any needs to him, lest he let me know he won't meet them... he's not anxious to please me. Perhaps that's a hangover from my marriage, but at the same time, it's a distinct feeling nonetheless. These things are what I'd expect from a "real" relationship. They are absent from this... which sounds, when you review it, rather like "just dating."
What's really shallow of me is that if he looked like a troll, I really wonder if I'd be seeing him anymore... but he's just so attractive to me physically... that I haven't actually gone through with it. There's a part of me inside that keeps partying that this incredibly beautiful man is spending time with me.
He wants to date based on his behavior. Dating = being accountable only to himself with no merging of the minds or habits, spending social time and personal time, but not internal capital. Relationship = a romance that's going somewhere, with at least a spiritual or emotional connection and accountability. Maybe he's not sure if he wants this to go somewhere... A says that dating's about finding that out... but it's been ten months. I don't want to be wasting my time.
posted by bluedana @ 7:42 PM
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