Understanding or Lack Thereof
I had an odd conversation yesterday.
My workout friend O, who's happily married with three half-grown kids, went out to lunch with me and another friend, L, who's a widow with a son in high school. So the three of us represented marriage in all of its manifestations.
O and L know that I'm divorced, though we'd never talked about much of any of our lives at length before (usually, our lunch brigade is much larger than three). I expressed my idea of "detoxing" my psyche like I explained in another post; that is, spending time alone to shore up my relationship with myself, finding happiness by myself, and avoiding finding a new relationship partly out of a lack of faith that it's possible right now, and either way, I don't want a man to be the reason I have bliss in my life. He brings the bliss, and he can take it away if he chooses to go away, too.
She just didn't get it. In fact, she seemed almost bothered by the implication that someone in a relationship is somehow compromising her independence. She got the point that marraige doesn't make people happy, but that they make themselves happy, but she just didn't accept that living without a man can be right or good, temporarily or permanently. She says that women can be independent as well as in a relationship, at the same time, but that having a man in your life brings another whole level of satisfaction and meaning. Well, maybe she's right. And maybe, other women can do that. I can't. Or, more precisely, I don't want to. I can control my life right now, and the idea of sharing that control, or giving over my heart for someone to play with as he likes, makes me want to break out in a rash.
Now L got it. She was widowed when her son was a toddler, and it was many years before she ever even considered finding a ner "friend." Now that recently she has found a new "friend," her son is protective and somewhat wary of this gentleman coming to call on his mom. She's made it clear to this man: "If you want me, the only way is through my son. Period. You work it out with him, first." She told O that for a long time, she thought about the husband she lost and realized just how much she lost for having loved so well. For years, she wasn't interested in looking for something new and having to make the associated adjustments. She then, like me now, didn't think that what she'd find could possibly measure up to her expectations.
O got it with L. Having a husband die was something she could understand meriting grief and an insular lifestyle. But she just didn't get it with me... it was like she thought my marriage was merely a horse I'd fallen off of, and I simply had to get over the fear of falling again by jumping into another saddle. Well, that's just not it. I told her about dating the HL for two years, which surprised her; she hadn't realized it was so long. I explained that that relationship was mostly relationship-lite. That is, after many months together, once a great deal of healing had managed to take place, and by the time I felt enough confidence in myself and readiness for more from a relationship, it ended. Yes, I was prepared, but he wasn't.
Right now, the idea of a relationship is just too much of a pain in the ass... who wants to ask to go through all that emotional bullshit with someone I probably won't even really like anyway and to take the time and effort relationships require from my nice, calm, peaceful, controllable existence? Why invite possibly troubled waters? My boat is serene. That's a good thing! And if a man shows up who can add value to my life, then great. But I'm not going to look for him. I'm not going to persuade him to come aboard. And I don't want to send another man off the plank!
So, I felt a bit minimized at that lunch. And frustrated. People yearn to be understood, and perhaps the biggest favor we can pay one another, to strive to understand. O didn't understand me, and instead, she almost, but not quite, rejected my perspective. Instead of letting her bother me, I should appreciate L, whose wisdom, values, and character all point toward her being a great friend, should we ever develop a real friendship.
My workout friend O, who's happily married with three half-grown kids, went out to lunch with me and another friend, L, who's a widow with a son in high school. So the three of us represented marriage in all of its manifestations.
O and L know that I'm divorced, though we'd never talked about much of any of our lives at length before (usually, our lunch brigade is much larger than three). I expressed my idea of "detoxing" my psyche like I explained in another post; that is, spending time alone to shore up my relationship with myself, finding happiness by myself, and avoiding finding a new relationship partly out of a lack of faith that it's possible right now, and either way, I don't want a man to be the reason I have bliss in my life. He brings the bliss, and he can take it away if he chooses to go away, too.
She just didn't get it. In fact, she seemed almost bothered by the implication that someone in a relationship is somehow compromising her independence. She got the point that marraige doesn't make people happy, but that they make themselves happy, but she just didn't accept that living without a man can be right or good, temporarily or permanently. She says that women can be independent as well as in a relationship, at the same time, but that having a man in your life brings another whole level of satisfaction and meaning. Well, maybe she's right. And maybe, other women can do that. I can't. Or, more precisely, I don't want to. I can control my life right now, and the idea of sharing that control, or giving over my heart for someone to play with as he likes, makes me want to break out in a rash.
Now L got it. She was widowed when her son was a toddler, and it was many years before she ever even considered finding a ner "friend." Now that recently she has found a new "friend," her son is protective and somewhat wary of this gentleman coming to call on his mom. She's made it clear to this man: "If you want me, the only way is through my son. Period. You work it out with him, first." She told O that for a long time, she thought about the husband she lost and realized just how much she lost for having loved so well. For years, she wasn't interested in looking for something new and having to make the associated adjustments. She then, like me now, didn't think that what she'd find could possibly measure up to her expectations.
O got it with L. Having a husband die was something she could understand meriting grief and an insular lifestyle. But she just didn't get it with me... it was like she thought my marriage was merely a horse I'd fallen off of, and I simply had to get over the fear of falling again by jumping into another saddle. Well, that's just not it. I told her about dating the HL for two years, which surprised her; she hadn't realized it was so long. I explained that that relationship was mostly relationship-lite. That is, after many months together, once a great deal of healing had managed to take place, and by the time I felt enough confidence in myself and readiness for more from a relationship, it ended. Yes, I was prepared, but he wasn't.
Right now, the idea of a relationship is just too much of a pain in the ass... who wants to ask to go through all that emotional bullshit with someone I probably won't even really like anyway and to take the time and effort relationships require from my nice, calm, peaceful, controllable existence? Why invite possibly troubled waters? My boat is serene. That's a good thing! And if a man shows up who can add value to my life, then great. But I'm not going to look for him. I'm not going to persuade him to come aboard. And I don't want to send another man off the plank!
So, I felt a bit minimized at that lunch. And frustrated. People yearn to be understood, and perhaps the biggest favor we can pay one another, to strive to understand. O didn't understand me, and instead, she almost, but not quite, rejected my perspective. Instead of letting her bother me, I should appreciate L, whose wisdom, values, and character all point toward her being a great friend, should we ever develop a real friendship.
Labels: bliss, independence, ready, relationships
posted by bluedana @ 4:32 PM
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