Fundamentally Speaking

In rereading some old posts, I recognize some progress that I've made with myself and my own thinking. I've gotten over the hump of wanting the HL. Having reestablished physical and emotional distance from him since the last night I saw him, with several weeks to reflect in peace and quiet about the circumstances in my life and my own motivations, it's like suddenly all the pieces fit together. It was good to see him again -- most especially because after he left, I grieved, but I emerged with him finally exorcised.

I see that was chasing yet another rainbow. When we saw one another in October and remained drawn together like to magnets, we -- both of us -- flirted on some level with the possibility of something real happening for us someday, which is the equivalent of dangling a carrot in the face of us staying friends. That couldn't happen; I'd continue to hope that'd he'd change into a man who wants what I want and what I have to offer. That wasn't ever going to happen, and with distance (and without my hormones screaming), I am able to see that. He's already moved on; he wasn't offering more, just fantasizing along with me. None of the feelings between us were real or based on anything tangible or rational. It was chemistry, pure and simple, between two people who basically liked each other, but that was it. Nonetheless, those hormones were strong enough to distract me from the wisdom of separating from him altogether. Our mini-reunion brought to the surface so many feelings and concerns whose time had ripened for resolution. It was, in other words, the event that shoved me over the precipice.

And I don't mean to yearn for an illusion.

But like Susan Meyer said last night on Desperate Housewives, relationships aren't rational, and even smart and trustworthy people find it a challenge to let their heads rule their hearts and hormones. If nothing else, this blog illustrates more clearly than anything else the lack of a future in that relationship. I was planning to break it off through most of it! Then I saw him, I confronted my hormones, and now, as I sit here, I think I've finally seen, and accepted, the reality of the big picture.

Now, I have spent a little bit of time lately with TCMT, and that is something that, as I told P, will work out or not. But I intend to continue living my life, on my own terms, and either he can go with that, or he can't. But it isn't going to change. It cannot change, and it must not change. I must be myself first and foremost. I have had this time to grow back my confidence and learn a little about how life can be, and there are parts to hold on to, parts to preserve. I am not ever going to sacrifice myself, my own comfort, or the fulfillment of my own needs, on the almighty altar of getting along with anybody else. Period. Even if it's hard, and even if it's not convenient. I'm not married, I'm not obligated, and I have a life to live.