Words

Last night, I found myself physically avoiding TCMT. I've felt like avoiding since my parents were here, and if there's a connection, I'm not aware of it consciously. What I AM aware of consciously is my desire -- still -- to be taken care of, and I see all the ways he doesn't seem to take care of himself. It makes me wonder if he has the potential or the power to take care of me when he doesn't even take good enough care of himself.

Of course, I've already discussed the dubious wisdom of approaching my significant adult relationships as though I'm the child in them. It's not a wise idea. But I think I'm talking about another level of care, here. He needs new socks. Sometimes, he complains about situations or others so he doesn't always emphasize his own personal responsibility. His house is usually in order, but it's not clean clean. Though he's made inroads to getting disease testing, he still hasn't. And then, I know he's strapped financially; last night, he said that even when he earned more money, he was still frugal.

Now, just to contrast him with the HL (and I hate it when my friend K does this to justify remaining with his new lady friend, so I'm stressing here that I'm comparing merely to make a comparison with someone else, and the HL is my most recent long-term relationship), the HL never wanted for anything materially insofar as nice clothes or accoutrements. He never blamed ANYONE anytime for anything, even when the other person might've deserved it. Now, his place was an absolute disaster area sometimes, but he always took care of business, period. I always felt that the HL was the man. I never shrank from him physically. Connection?