Lonely versus Being Alone
I am determined to get a haircut today! It needs a good trim; it's getting heavy. Yes, I want it to grow, but I don't want it to get so it pulls the curl out, either.
My cold is progressing to the sneezing and coughing stage, which is a good thing... the headache is going away, and and so's the sore throat, so the congestion is moving out through the coughing and sneezing. Another day or two, and it should be mostly gone.
I'm leaving to work out in thirty minutes.
Anyway, as time goes by this week, I can't help but wonder about the purpose of relationships based on the context of my own expectations. I want to feel celebrated... secure... nurtured... and doesn't that sound like treating me like a child? I somehow maybe equate being a quasi-child with ultimate security like my parents gave me? How peculiar to imagine that. But at the same time, it's difficult to accept that there's no actual security, that someone could promise to love me forever and then renege on it. But without offering that security, what's the purpose of the relationship? If I'm doing all the "work" for my life right now anyway, and if I'm strong enough to be on my own and can meet my own needs, then what's the point of a relationship? I get caring and affection and blah blah blah, but nobody needs a man for that, per se.
What happens with the TCMT, I think he wants the same thing, for him. I think HE wants the care and nurturing, too... and it's like Charles and Diana, both kept waiting for the other one to take care of one another, and nobody did it.
I know I'm strong. I'm entirely strong. I can do anything, put up with anything... once I know I'm safe... but no one ever is. Not really. So is my strength a fallacy? Only now am I starting to see how much of a driving force I was in the evolution of my marriage and how few choices for us my ex husband actually made, and how both of our motivations were affected by issues not connected with making a strong and healthy choice to develop our lives together. I talked to my friend from work K about the idea of mistaken intentions yesterday. He was divorced, too, and remarried about ten years ago. I guess if I grow to love someone like he did, then it can happen again. But I can't imagine it in the abstract, because I entered my marriage with good intentions, and I was wrong. Despite my intentions, I know now that I really was wrong, wrong to get married with unresolved baggage, wrong to overlook some character flaws in my ex husband. I did that, no question. Anyway, A says that I'd be different the second time, wiser and more careful... and maybe she's right. I'd like to think so. Anyway, when I don't have a man in my life, I can't imagine kissing someone or letting someone touch me... it's only when there's a specific person and feelings involved that such things become possible again.
So anyway, like with the HL, I'm dating TCMT without any expectations other than finding the truth that will emerge from being with him. There isn't a right or wrong answer, just the real one. Either he can add to my life, or he can't, and if he detracts from my life, he needs taken out of it. I don't need to be married. In fact, I don't want to be married if it's wrong again. Like C and I discussed last weekend when we were making dinner plans for Tuesday, "Who cares about things like biological clocks if you get married precipitously and wind up hating each other in thirty years?" What good does that do to anybody?
My cold is progressing to the sneezing and coughing stage, which is a good thing... the headache is going away, and and so's the sore throat, so the congestion is moving out through the coughing and sneezing. Another day or two, and it should be mostly gone.
I'm leaving to work out in thirty minutes.
Anyway, as time goes by this week, I can't help but wonder about the purpose of relationships based on the context of my own expectations. I want to feel celebrated... secure... nurtured... and doesn't that sound like treating me like a child? I somehow maybe equate being a quasi-child with ultimate security like my parents gave me? How peculiar to imagine that. But at the same time, it's difficult to accept that there's no actual security, that someone could promise to love me forever and then renege on it. But without offering that security, what's the purpose of the relationship? If I'm doing all the "work" for my life right now anyway, and if I'm strong enough to be on my own and can meet my own needs, then what's the point of a relationship? I get caring and affection and blah blah blah, but nobody needs a man for that, per se.
What happens with the TCMT, I think he wants the same thing, for him. I think HE wants the care and nurturing, too... and it's like Charles and Diana, both kept waiting for the other one to take care of one another, and nobody did it.
I know I'm strong. I'm entirely strong. I can do anything, put up with anything... once I know I'm safe... but no one ever is. Not really. So is my strength a fallacy? Only now am I starting to see how much of a driving force I was in the evolution of my marriage and how few choices for us my ex husband actually made, and how both of our motivations were affected by issues not connected with making a strong and healthy choice to develop our lives together. I talked to my friend from work K about the idea of mistaken intentions yesterday. He was divorced, too, and remarried about ten years ago. I guess if I grow to love someone like he did, then it can happen again. But I can't imagine it in the abstract, because I entered my marriage with good intentions, and I was wrong. Despite my intentions, I know now that I really was wrong, wrong to get married with unresolved baggage, wrong to overlook some character flaws in my ex husband. I did that, no question. Anyway, A says that I'd be different the second time, wiser and more careful... and maybe she's right. I'd like to think so. Anyway, when I don't have a man in my life, I can't imagine kissing someone or letting someone touch me... it's only when there's a specific person and feelings involved that such things become possible again.
So anyway, like with the HL, I'm dating TCMT without any expectations other than finding the truth that will emerge from being with him. There isn't a right or wrong answer, just the real one. Either he can add to my life, or he can't, and if he detracts from my life, he needs taken out of it. I don't need to be married. In fact, I don't want to be married if it's wrong again. Like C and I discussed last weekend when we were making dinner plans for Tuesday, "Who cares about things like biological clocks if you get married precipitously and wind up hating each other in thirty years?" What good does that do to anybody?
posted by bluedana @ 6:01 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home