Growing Whole

The thing that bothers me about the past year is how it's rocked my confidence and changed my needs. I had my life arranged in a managable way, so even the unexpected things that arose I could handle. I had faith in the systems I had created, and I thought I was building something for my future. When the RBFA (as my friend K calls him) chose to leave, then everything collapsed exactly like a house of cards. Not just the practical parts of my life like money and lifestyle changed, but the internal parts of me changed too. What motivated me changed. What I needed to feel comfortable again changed. How much I was willing to compromise to put myself back into a situation that where I could feel safe... what it took to feel good about myself... and you know, now that bothers me. The real BlueDana got lost under the weight of the events that went beyond her control.

In a way, I sold myself out. It wasn't my fault, and it's all perfectly understandable, but in my desperation to feel reassured that I had worth, I made choices and continue to make them that Whole BlueDana would not make. Not seeing Hunky Latino for almost a week has actually shown me that. Do I feel better about myself for seeing it? No, of course not. I want to handle everything perfectly, and I do want to be in love and have that wonderful support in my life. However, I feel better now that I see what the problem is, and I now I can address it. I see the point that A was trying to make that I need to enrich myself and worry less about what effect my choices will have on possibly transitory people like the Hunky Latino. He will handle himself by himself. My job is ME and my needs. But I've forgotten that in my hyperactive efforts to be WANTED. But I do want to be wanted... I don't think I can shut it off like a lightswitch... but I can work on it. He isn't there to meet my needs, he's there for me to have fun, so if I'm not having fun, I really need to refocus my orientation.

My work is also affected. I don't have the ability to manage the tasks at work that I had before the collapse. I think that's getting better, but on some level, I've set that goal. I'm trying to improve.

Oh, this is curious. The Hunky Latino just signed on. He's supposed to be at class right now and for the next two hours. He emailed me today, but I didn't reply... I did email him yesterday, and he called me that evening, but at the time he knew I myself would be in class. Well, duh. Now, here is a good example of what I mean... I find this provoking. He's behaving outside of the clear pattern, he's not acknowledging me, and well, the good news is that it's not making me uncertain or distressed as I sit here. I'm annoyed, but you know, I'm not surprised. I value patterns. I value stability. I value people who are candid about what's going on in their minds. This person has made it a point not to allow others to count on him.

What is wrong with me for tolerating this so long?

So what am I going to do about it?

I'll say hi to him and see what happens. Oh, whoops, he's gone. Imagine that. He vanished into the night. Weird.

You know, I've been grateful for this mini-break from him. I think I need to make it last as long as it possibly can.