Hmmmmmm

So... the cute math teacher and I have spent a couple of evenings together, once with others and another ourselves. Very... weird. It brings to light the rhythms of relationships and how "learning" each other is a process. The rules with TCMT are different than with the HL or even my ex-husband. Unwritten rules take time to understand. Taking on this process with another person is daunting to me. Has it been long enough for me to get past the HL's and my patterns? Am I ready to attempt establishing new ones? Do I even want to bother? No. I don't. I want to have fun, stay light, and not worry so much. Isn't that how it's supposed to be in the beginning? It's what A's always said. Maybe she's right. So... if I want to spend time with him, then I've got to control my expectations at this early stage and focus on the evening at hand, a fun time for all.

At the same time, at least as far as our last evening went, we're seriously attracted to each other. The physical elements that emerge in relationships are another thing to consider. While I achieved a comfort level in my physical relationship with the HL, I don't know that I feel ready for one with TCMT, for all the apparent chemistry. The potential for something amazing is there... we have the firepower... but, well, we work together, like at work together, and besides, I'm not interested in a fling. But... no expectations... right? And I can put on brakes when I need to... just stay mindful that I want more for myself. I mean, I don't know yet that I want more with him, but I know I don't want just that with anybody. And I have to have the nerve to discuss it when the fireworks aren't flashing, when we're calm and friendly and open. Also, there's the whole issue of diseases and previous partners and protection... having to talk about these kinds of things really does put a damper on the ardor. But I worked them out with the HL, and I guess when I find a new relationship, I can work them out again. But I'm jumping the gun! Jumping! Stay light! Enjoy!

I don't know. It's a hot (very hot sometimes) and cold thing... I don't know. I don't think I'm supposed to know yet, though. Ride it out and see what's going to happen... remaining true to what I myself need, and what's right for me.