Que Sera Sera

It's been another week, and my evolution continues. I sound like a science fiction movie. What happened in the past week? I've been busier than sin, and frankly, I think it's good for me. I completed my summative evaluation at work today, which is a clear indication that the school year is winding down. I just got back from a test tonight, and for it I had to complete two essays and a rather lengthy writing component itself. Also, grades for the fifth marking period were due today... it's been insane, pretty much. I think my summative went well, and I think the test went well, too... amazing how much I get done when I focus. On the home front, I got done remodeling my downstairs bathroom, which looks pretty good if not perfect. I'm still battling an ongoing flea problem, but it's diminishing, albeit more slowly than I'd like. At times, I still feel at loose ends. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the wide-openness of my future ahead of me.

As for the Hunky Latino... he was indeed home that night, and he had called, though my ringer was off. He had a test and got out of it early... so much for my distress and suspicion. We had a nice time together over the weekend, but I've done a little experimenting, and I'm seeing something of a change between us on a physical level. He's still affectionate, but beyond that, he seems only marginally interested in me, which is a definite change. Now, I have gained weight since he and I met, which was a actually a re-gain of weight I lost during the divorce; I met him when I was at my skinniest. Is he shallow, distracted, or disinterested? I don't know.

As I continue writing, I keep seeing the counterproductivity of depending on him in this dating relationship to meet any of my needs... how futile it is to expect really anyone to do that. It's really not his job, and it would be a band-aid over the work I need to do on myself anyway. I need to make myself happy, in the very wise words of the Hunky Latino's cousin M, with whom I went out Saturday night after poker. She was talking about her own situation... that saying "I'm not happy" wasn't justification for her husband leaving their marriage either; his happiness was not dependent on the marriage, but he needed to make himself happy, then happiness in his marriage would follow.

This was not a new idea to me, but somehow when I heard her say this, it made a really loud click in my mind. This idea is what my ex-husband needed to do, but didn't. His happiness was not the fault or responsibility of our marriage, but of him alone. I strove to make him happy by being what I thought a good wife was, but it didn't work, and you know, that's not my fault. But in the same way, now that I'm alone, I need to make myself happy, regardless of the Hunky Latino or of anyone else. I think it'd be a wonderful thing to find someone with whom my needs and his intersected... is the HL that? I don't know... I don't know if my needs have settled down enough to assess them for certain. I think they're beginning to do that, however. If I'm not flexing my muscles fully as BlueDana yet, I'm seeing again that I do have muscles, and they're important. Real.