Insight

Over the weekend, when the Hunky Latino and I continued conversing (these conversations are getting closer to home, closer to the heart of who I am), it dawned on me that he's been telling me the truth about what he thinks about some issues, and they are truths I was somehow dismissing because, frankly, I don't like them. But you know, they're truths that I need to acknowledge, because they're beginning to open my eyes so I can see the realities where he's concerned.

The more we talk, the more I understand that it's virtually impossible he will become a permanent part of my life. Right now, he's wholly unprepared for marriage, and I don't think he is ready as an individual for that kind of relationship... he's too cynical, too jaded, and too suspicious or self-protective. We like each other and have fun together, but beyond that, I think he's absolutely incapable. Also, he holds marriage to an entirely different standard than I do. These disparities between us trouble me, because I do not see a future for people which such fundamentally different values, especially without a mutual respect for one another's values, and perhaps that's the part I don't think he has for mine.

Also what bothers me is the conflict between a lot of what he says and how he acts... outwardly, he rejects valuing organized religion and the sacraments, he rejects the traditional views of marriage... but at the same time, he demonstrates taking responsibility and obligation very seriously, if he's incredibly selective about to whom he makes himself accountable and how. I think he does more for his family than I'm aware... financially, especially... I don't know. That apparent contradiction makes me curious.

Perhaps more of this relationship than I'm willing to admit is hormonal. While I like him a lot, I'm not in love with him; of course, there's not been a huge amount of emotional candor from him, which makes it difficult to establish any emotional intimacy... but then, when I just met my husband, we established "instant emotional intimacy," and look how THAT turned out. HL and I are really, finally, getting to know each other, and I don't know how it'll shake out. His utter rejection of what I believe in (though it wasn't personal... I am not taking this personally) and what I value I find to be a bother... I'm going to keep it in mind, but I'll take it a little further and see what happens. Maybe this heads-up is a sign that I'm regaining my own emotional equilibrium after the divorce and am ready for something a little more meaningful than going nowhere fast with an admittedly beautiful man who's never going to be able to be more than that for me.