Peach Tea and Sympathy

Rereading the last post, I can't help but smile. Last week was a witchy week, that's for sure. More than one force was at hand affecting my thinking, and I felt like I was mired in some pretty heinous PMS. But I've learned. I have decided that the HL is simply toxic to me right now, and I am better off avoiding him for now, maybe forever. A said something about "giving my heart to the one who will not forsake me." She was talking about God, but I heard a noise in my head about men when she said that. The HL "forsook" me. He therefore no longer deserves my energy or attention... is no longer entitled to them, though sometimes it's like I can't help it. But I need NOT to concern myself with his goings-on, and the healthiest and most expeditious route to make that happen is not to know about them. I don't have to be the bigger person or do anything the hard way. So he'll be "devastated" if we aren't friends... well, that's his freaking problem, not mine.

And last night, L and I went out for some dinner after aerobics... and when I said I was "mad" at the HL but didn't want to talk about it, she still asked why, and I said, "Because you're right. Being friends is a stupid idea." At least she's classy enough not to say I told you so.

But, there has been action on the front with TCMT. I've thought about each step I've taken with him ahead of actually taking it, and some choices have surprised me... but I've got my eyes open, and at the same time, I'm terrorized... but hopeful... but scared... and exhilarated. But what's funny is seeing how palpably my focus has shifted with a man, finally, after all these years. I'm in no real rush finally to settle down simply so I have a place to belong. I do have one... not everybody in a marriage does, either... and I've learned that marriage isn't a panacea... and I am just wanting to enjoy myself, whatever form it takes. Amazing, isn't it? Potential issues? TCMT is a foreigner here on a visa, so he can't get a second job or find a more lucrative one, and his modest salary already supports his gorgeous home with a pool and a hip dysplastic dog, plus he began graduate school this summer. He's cash broke, though he does have assets at least. But maybe that's a blessing in disguise, as such circumstances effectively force me to control my more creative relationship forever-fantasies... he can't support them in practice, at least not right now, so why bother having them? Not to mention that if he's here on a visa in this post-911 world, the visa could, potentially, go away at some point. So, it's a situation that supports a "one day at a time" approach.

P and I are meeting for lunch in a couple of hours, then I will go shopping for my graduation party this weekend. My parents will be here Thursday night. Time to start thinking about MYSELF and my own obligations and accomplishments.