Responsive to Change

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." I read this quote in an article on Slate, and it struck a chord with me. The author quoted Charles Darwin in relation to the alleged terrorist plot that British and American authorites thwarted today, as he or she commented on the way to deal with terrorism... to understand that we die, but to conquer the evil, the rest of us prevail... we flow through the bad things, around them... and ultimately, we as a human race win by not giving up. After all, said the author, it's those of us who are most adaptable who will be the most able to survive.

I am not adaptable, not inherently. My friend D's son is highly adaptable, and the kid is only 14; I really envy him that and have told him so. He's moved to a new state and about to start at a new school, and he's anticipating the change! I would die. As it is, I'm noticing that I'm ready to go up in flames when TCMT fails to pay "enough" attention to me on a daily basis, and I'm beginning to understand how unhealthy and paranoid that behavior is. This burgeoning relationship isn't even a month old, and it's early for "shoulds" and flames, too, especially as I'm not wholly convinced that I even WANT him that much. Ah, but if HE wants ME unequivocally, then I get to choose or reject HIM; if I don't have his unqualified adoration, the entire game is different. Riskier. More frustrating.

However, separate from him, there are a few things about myself that I don't like that I've learned since he and I have begun spending time together. First, I am needy. I find myself a twitching and itching ball of nerves about him, and for God's sake, I don't even know that I want this guy in macro terms! But if I don't hear from him, or if he doesn't call when he says he will, I get all obsessive and ballistic, and that is NOT healthy, NOT the person I want to be. Ultimately, the problem is that I am craving ATTENTION. I want the validation that I'm attractive, appealing, desirable... that feeling... not necessarily TCMT himself for himself, and that's bad. Mean. Selfish.

So today... I decided to behave like the person I want to be, and not like the neurotic wenchbag of my id that's screaming for supremacy. I called him this morning and left a good-morning message... he texted me later about coming to his house for lunch (which we had discussed as a possibility, but which I ultimately didn't get to do), and then I texted him afterwards to ask about his afternoon... and I haven't heard back. I was really tempted to call him for my own peace of mind... but then I thought, the person I WANT to be wouldn't do that, because, dammit, I have a full, rich life to live altogether aside from men (instead, I went to a weight lifting class tonight, strengthening my body and my friendships at the gym instead of staring at the phone all evening long), and SO DOES HE have other friends, relationships, obligations, and needs to address on his own. Also, I know I WILL see him tomorrow, even if only surreptitiously (we work at the same location), and most importantly, I want HIM to make an effort, too, thereby proving to both of us that it's what he wants too... not me inflicting myself upon him. If I'm the one calling... reaching out... then he doesn't get the PRIVILEGE of doing that, of proving to himself (and to me) that it's what he wants, too. We have no concrete plans to see each other at the moment, and that's fine, too. He can initiate some if he wants.

Also, the person I want to be has FAITH in herself, enough confidence not to imagine the worst when he doesn't call.

Incidentally, my coworker S told me that another coworker of ours, a man, has a crush on me and wants to ask me out... and my aerobics teacher seems to have "warm inclinations" toward me lately, too... so there is definitely no reason to put all this pressure on this occasionally lukewarm relationship with this man whose mind moves much differently than mine (that is, slower and in a much more linear fashion... where I am a random thinker and gifted at multitasking, he seems much better able to focus on just one thing at a time with all of his attention... and I mean ALL of it).

Also, I'm seeing how preoccupation with this situation is reducing my presence, joy, or involvement in other important goings-on around me. I need to remember to celebrate the moment, not wish it moved faster into a time when I get this attention I'm craving so desperately.

Another friend from work, L, called earlier to invite me out with some other girls to karaoke tomorrow night. See, there's attention, there's fellowship, there's a good social evening that can validate the pleasure of my company and satisfy my need for companionship. Then there's aerobics Saturday morning and plenty of yard work and other household and work-related obligations for the rest of the weekend... and my parents sent me a generous graduation present that would allow me to go AWAY this weekend should I choose to... I have a FULL RICH life to live, and I need to ADAPT to it to survive. I don't want to be the needy little child with big eyes staring at the the thing outside of herself that she thinks will meet all her needs. UGH. That is the exact opposite of what I want... the exact opposite of all the growth since the divorce. Focus on ME instead of TCMT... and everything else should fall into place.