Trying Too Hard, Chemistry, and How Things Change

I'm "processing" this week and its misadventures, according to A., and I'm also getting somewhere, in her opinion. I think I still need the benefit of a counselor right now to finally work through the disillusionment, betrayal, and anger from the divorce and find a context for what's happened over the past three years since. But, I think I'm making some discoveries on my own, getting used to what I'm discovering, and fitting it together at least rudimentarily. That's pretty good.

I went on a date Monday, and by Wednesday, I'd told him I couldn't see him again. I've thought so much about this. Yes, I'm outrageously afraid of being vulnerable, and I'm not terribly ready to jump in with both feet. That, I knew, and that's definitely a part of it. I could tell he liked me, and I wasn't quite ready for unequivocal liking so quickly. At the same time, after having had a week to think about it, I don't see that there was much Chemistry there on my half. I wasn't comfortable with him, and as a result, I was forcing myself to Try Too Hard. I thought I should do this, make myself give him a chance. But I didn't feel "it." I need a comfortable person, an attractive man with self-confidence. Comfortable with himself. Relaxed. Calm. Willing to get to know me and "make" me interested in getting to know him. This person was very nice, very gentlemanly -- but also somewhat hyper and frenetic, a big talker who not only produced a volume of words, but at a volume. Reaction? I wanted to shush him. I was exhausted when I went home.

I'm scared, and that's huge... and also, I didn't see this going anywhere.

Would I see him differently if I weren't so scared? That's possible.

But you know, I am starting to give more credence to the viceral reaction to someone. I had an instant visceral reaction to the HL when I met him. I was hysterical about him too, in retrospect, but never enough to shut it down in the early time. I had one with TCMT too, and over time, our incompatibility emerged... but at least, I gave it that time.

So, things are different now. I am different now. I'm not young and idealistic. I am mature with a sense of the potential for relationships, both for good and for ill. I have lost my native innocence, and I have a gun-shyness I didn't have before. The men are different... they are older, more accomplished, and bear their own relationship baggage and/or scars. They've done things. I've done things. Instead of meeting like so many dewy twenty year olds and establishing a life together, the process now is meeting with a sense of who we are and what we're all about and merging lives together. That's something I never tangibly understood before this week. It scares the hell out of me.

But maybe caution isn't all bad, and with my new understanding, perhaps I can begin to manage my fears.