Ideas

You know, it's as though I've gone through so many little divorces as I try to acclimate myself as a single woman again. The HL lasted for two years, TCMT lasted for maybe three months, and the guy from internet dating lasted just one date, but hey, I'm getting over the fear of being left, when you thnk about it, and it's all actually been quite productive; each time, I better understand and get further over the fear involved in finding someone again. I was reluctant to pursue dating for real any guy from the interent until I was confident enough to have a grasp of the whole concept and was comfortable with it. I didn't realize it would present quite the challenge it did, but it did, and maybe I kind of got dramatic at the time as I had a meltdown after my first date, but ultimately, that's okay... that's healing. Of course, my pattern of freaking out first and settling down second is not necessarily okay, especially when I involve innocent men in my relationship arc or beleager my ever-patient friends with the same story yet one more time, but it is a recognizable and familiar pattern. I need to learn from it and manage it, not cater to it.

I've met two guys from the interent which has allowed me to create a frame of reference, and the fear is receding. Apparently, my pattern is to struggle through the feelings and emotions first before I can master them and then manage them. Now that I've met more than one man from online, even though I met one entirely platonically, I can meet additional ones, having avoided the pattern of settling on the first one whom I meet.

I told my friend B that A and P are supporting me in finding a counselor, and she gave me a funny look. "You don't need counseling," she said starkly. "You're fine. You're just older, wiser, aware of what you can lose, and very good at seeing the wrong guy." There's a point to that... the guy from the internet whom I wanted to smack was the wrong guy, and I knew that continuing to date him would go the route of TCMT. Maybe I wasn't freaking out without good reason, therefore. Besides, there is no value in dating a guy I don't much care to see again. Doing it just to prove I can date again seems not only unwise but mean.

Today is my ex-husband's birthday, so I bought cupcakes for my yearbook class, and we renamed the day after me. Though I don't discuss my personal life with them generally, they know most of the story in the way people learn such things in large organizations. At first they didn't understand why I'd want to celebrate my ex-husband's birthday, and I said, "Well, just because he's not around, why should I deprive myself of a party?" They're kids, and that made sense to them. So we polished off a dozen cupcakes and an apple coffee cake, shot the breeze, and turned the day into an altogether great one for different reasons.