Months

It's been almost two months since I've entered any words of wisdom here, and I think that's a positive thing, in a way. Maybe my need to vent is minimized. I have it now, though.

My online friend, J, has fallen in love with a girl, and he is shouting from the rooftops as loudly as Tom Cruise and his dysfunctional attachment to Katie Holmes (Katie, run for your life!). The thing is that J has known this girl a month (Tom's known Katie for two), and he's already talking about getting married. This reminds me of how quickly my ex-husband and I fell into our own dysfunctional attachment, and look how that turned out! J is also as unready to pledge his life to anyone, as he was depressed and talking about finding a therapist only four weeks ago. This woman is a panacea to his problems, which I can see, but I understand why he doesn't want to.

Then on the other hand, I'm jealous. It's been over a year for me and the Hunky Latino now... almost fourteen months... and we've never used the L-word. Of course, if I search in my own soul, I don't know that I'm in love with him... I may LOVE him, I think, the way I love a great many people who are important to me. But that silly ecstatic crazy in-love love? I don't think so. I think we're closer to it than we were, and I do think my feelings are more on the line and continue to be as we continue spending time together, but I don't think either of us are emotionally open enough for full blown in-love, the kind where you make dreams together.

Anyway, I read once that women should wait for the man to say the L-word first, and that's always been how I've done it... and he's shared with me stories of the women who've said it to him first and how it affected their relationships detrimentally when he felt unable to reciprocate their feelings. I've actually had success just letting this obsessive behavior go and not worrying about all these typically female details, and I think I'll continue that. Of course, a few weeks ago, I noticed his profile was still posted on an online dating service... I wish I had the nads to confront that, but the fact is, I'm about as involved in his life as anyone, so does that really threaten me? No. It might bother me in theory, but that's the only real problem with it. I think he's got a pretty wide circle around himself... a cordon sanitaire... but I'm as close to the edge of that circle as anyone. Then, too, I've got my own circle, my own barriers. I can tell I'm playing a bit of a game... "You make yours smaller, and then so will I," but I don't think I get exactly how our needs go together, and we've got big families and responsibilities that influence exactly why we're in each other's lives and what we want or even need from each other.

But I still envy J's idealistic infatuation... the Hunky Latino is not like that. He's jaded from too many previous relationships. The next time we talk about relationships or our perceptions and expectations, I will point out, "You know, this isn't about how we're already different from our different kinds of pasts, this is about ME and YOU. We're not talking about all the other people in the world, we're talking about ME being the person I am now and can become, and we're talking about YOU and who you are or what you want. The past doesn't matter now. Who I am and of what I am capable -- who you are, and of what you are capable -- is what matters now. What you've learned about people doesn't all apply to ME, and what I know about people all doesn't apply to you."

I haven't heard from the ex-husband, so that's a good thing.