Cat in the Lap

Hi... it's pretty late for me to write here, since I usually do it at work, but I'm taking my new DSL out for a whirl, and I'm sort of in a ruminating mood to boot. My evil cat is sleeping in my lap, purring so that the world would think him the most enchanting of pussycats, and I've got Georgia on my mind, among other things.

I went to Dallas this past weekend, sans the Hunky Latino, as I was endeavoring to marinate in family time. Uncle P is moving to Dallas from Great Lakes country, and so I got to see him along with the Dallas contingent. He's found a beautiful house, and he's really excited about moving. I still feel a lot of the time that I'm excited about things in the abstract, but not really. I was excited to undertake some new responsibilities at work this school year, true, but mostly, I seem to be cresting the wave of real life, and I've felt that way since my then-husband announced that he didn't love me anymore and intended to leave our marriage.

Ironically, a friend of mine disclosed today that her very own sister had this exact same thing happen over the weekend, when I was in Dallas. Well, it's not exactly the same... the sister and the husband hadn't been happy, and the divorce is probably mutually desirable on some level, even if the sister was blindsided even more egregiously than I was. It hurt to hear the story... it still hurts that it's MY story. The divorce was wrong for me, but then, hey, I had no vote.

Which brings me to the HL, who's ambivalence about where our relationship is going is exceeded only by how incredibly hot he is. In fact, if he were merely lukewarm, I wonder what I'd be doing myself to be proactive in this situation. Would I tolerate his diffidence? Would I stand up for what I want or tell him to hit the highway? I don't know. At least when we aired our guts, I confessed that it's hard to be normal in the wake of a divorce, so I've been determinedly NOT worrying about details and seeing where life takes me. Also, if he REALLY didn't want to see me anymore, he wouldn't keep seeing me. I think there's something of a discrepancy between his logic (where he admits I fall short of being his ideal woman... as I'm not Charlize Theron with ESP) and his feelings (as he seems to miss me when I'm not around), and out of curiosity's sake, I want to see where it takes him. Also, selfishly, I like him, and I'm attracted to him. I want to see where it takes ME, if his feelings wind up leading the way. But now that he's verbalized the possibility that I'm not perfect and neither is our relationship (duh); we may wind up parting ways, but now I'm able to look on the progress as part scientist and part comedian. This isn't serious, is it? It's hilarious. And he can't hurt me unless I let him, so I won't. If this doesn't suit me anymore, I can stop it, and I shall. But losing a really hot guy (which my husband was NOT) after a few months isn't going to devastate me like losing my marriage did.

Damn, I dropped my cell phone and can't find it now.

Friday Friday

It's been a month since I wrote here, which I find hard to imagine on one hand, but the holidays were chaotic. On that hand, it's easy to imagine. I had a great holiday, followed by a sinus clearing blowout with the Hunky Latino. I don't know where that's going now, and I'm trying to live with it, since the only way I really CAN know is to pull the plug on it all myself, and I don't know that I think that's the right thing to do.

I mean, I like him, but the whole relationship has been built upon the recovery from my divorce, and the timing stinks. I didn't set out to meet someone, not really, and when he fell into my lap (so to speak), I know I wasn't ready for him... but he's so attractive, and we had so much fun together, I told myself I'd be all right anyway. Well, I wasn't, but in my own defense, I don't know that I think he was, either. Neither of us have been markedly good at communicating our true feelings or needs to one another... he because in his role of Hispanic I-Am-All-Things-to-All-People, so-I-Have-No-Needs-for-You-to-Meet, and with my I-Am-Still-Reeling-That-My-Husband-Left-Me, so-I-Can't-Ask-for-Anything-from-You-for-Fear-of-Being-Rejected. What a pas de deux.

So last weekend he sprung the, "Why don't we take a break to find out how we really feel about each other?" on me, and I was torn between terror ("I can't lose again!") and relief ("FINALLY he speaks about his inclinations!"). I accepted what he said... I've lost so much more than a casual boyfriend in the last year... but I added that what I really wished would happen was a chance for us to really talk to each other. We hadn't ever done that. So we did. For four hours. Then we ate some dinner and continued talking... and it was a revelation.

I've done as much thinking since that conversation as we did talking while it was happening, and I realize now how much damage the divorce did to me, in retrospect. I don't know if our relationship is built on the sand of that event in my life, and I don't know if we will overcome the bad habits we've developed, the reticence, as a result... but we're going to keep seeing each other for now with this new honesty opened between us, and we're going to see where it goes.

This would all be a lot easier if he weren't so cute.

We are putting a moratorium on spending time with each others' families for the duration, though. If we're going to stay together into the future, there'll be time enough for the families, but for now, I think we need to focus on what's going on between the two of us. To that end, I'm going to Dallas this weekend by myself. One of my bachelor uncles is visiting my uncle who lives there, and this is a premium chance for me to marinate in the people who really do and who have always been a part of my life. It's a time to reinforce myself for myself. After all, this man verbalized the possibility that we still may part ways in another few weeks... why bother entrenching him in the people who matter to me, if he might absent himself subsequently? Let us find out if the relationship deserves that kind of homage.