Repeat

Yeah, well, the separation lasted a week, but you know, it's coming down to the wire for me now, and I'm pretty sure I need to end it altogether. None of this "staying in touch" bullshit. I feel like such a wuss, because I am so incredibly reluctant to take a stand, but tonight he said he'd come over to have dinner with some of my friends, and he called at the time he said he'd be here and told me he "lost track of time" and wasn't going to make it after all.

If he's this busy, then perhaps he's better off focusing on what he feels he needs to do, because I don't want or mean to interfere with his work. I agree it's important. But damn it, why have this quasi relationship where I have unmet needs in the name of some future with him I'm not even sure that I WANT with him and that isn't a pledge or promise either way? Besides, if I have a man in my life, I'd like him IN my life... especially if he claims he's curious about us having a life TOGETHER. I am a strong woman; I know I have what it takes to stay strong during this dry time if I mean to do that. But being "strong" enough to weather this kind of busy-ness while he pays attention to everything else... to be honest, I don't think he MATTERS enough to me for me to DO that. I want to have fun, have joy, have BLISS... and while he's off doing his work-work and homework, I'm getting older by the minute and increasingly pissed off.

I had a marriage without a whole lot of romance and without a whole lot of joy. I am finding myself in another relationship like that, wondering why I'm here, and pretty disappointed in myself for not being stronger or tougher about STOPPING what's obviously not working.

I don't want to be the bad guy. That's what it all comes down to. But when L asked me out, and when the HL and I were deciding to see if we could work things out, I had no problem telling L that it wasn't going to happen for us, and I hoped he'd understand... and he did. If he didn't, well, that didn't matter, anyway. Why don't I feel that way about the HL? Why can't I say to him, "This effort for a relationship isn't working for me after all. I'm beginning to see that what I need is just more than I can have from you right now. You've said as much... you've been honest... and that's what I'm doing, now, being honest. Let's go back to being friends, and I can get off the ice of expecting more... and if things do wind up working out for us, then great... and if not, then we are free in the meantime to address our obligations without feeling like we're letting one another down... because I am let down, and I know that I must frustrate you by wanting more from you than you can give."