Ho Ho Ho

Well, the 2005 year is drawing to a close, and everything I wanted, expected, or predicted about this year hasn't happened at all like I thought it would. It's not better or worse, just different, and I can't help but wonder at the unknown that 2006 holds.

Basically, I'm one year older, not much wiser, but a whole lot stronger, and I'm hurting. Less than all the changes or losses that I've undergone, it hurts to realize that I'm really on my own, that in a way I was always on my own, and there are no right answers or best choices, only different ones. I've spend my whole life wanting to do the right thing... and to find that I've been chasing a rainbow... the right thing doesn't exist, and even those upon whose judgement I've relied are fallible and biased and inconsistent are faulty... that is hard.

Don't get me wrong... there are right things and wrong things to do... I don't mean that kind of cosmic accountability. But there were always right choices... the "right" college (as determined by my cost- and adventure-cautious parents)... the "right" boyfriend (ditto)... the right major (one that resulted in employability)... and then I got married (I believed wholeheartedly that I was doing the right thing, but there were problems... his drinking was never comfortable for me, or his travel, or the static routine we shared and from which he was reluctant to deviate... and my ex-husband could no longer reconcile my own expectations and needs with the reality that was as real to him... you know, I think that is the first and most genuine answer I've ever achieved in regard to the end of my marriage)... and now I'm not married, and my parents have their opinions and feelings about my situation... and I can tell that my father doubts my judgement. He asked me about the HL, like "What issues does HE have? Like S (ex-husband) or C (college boyfriend)?" I asked, "Do you think I look for people with issues?" and he said no, that he thinks those people find me. That I entertain "those people" in my life, however, at least from what he wasn't saying, does say something about my judgement.

Obviously, I spent the holidays at home with my parents, and that was a wonderful visit -for them. I am glad I went and that they're happy, but I am just as glad to be home again in my quiet house with my pets. Perhaps the same disconnect exists between us now as existed between my ex-husband and me. They persist on seeing me as they want to see me, and I see everything differently. But you know, I can't and wouldn't divorce them for it... my ex-husband was never as strong as I was.

So what are the HL's issues? They're fairly obvious to me. He feels responsible for his family. Anyone who marries him would have to join him in his quest to take care of them, however ill-advised some of it might be. Anyone who would challenge his bond to them and the way he gets along with them would be the loser... his wife would not get a vote, not in any of it. Not about the money he spends on them, not on his protection of some of the weaker people with questionable issues of their own, none of it. Perhaps a stronger woman would be able to encourage him to let them take care of themselves, live as the circumstances of their own situations and decisions allow.

But he'd be offended more than anything else.

But anyway, if I ever get married again, I have a pretty definite idea of my personal non-negotiables, and the HL is NOT that person in any way, shape, or form. However, I think we're having this relationship for the relationship's sake, not to prepare for marriage, so that's okay. I have said it before... I don't know where we're going, but I don't think the destination matters right now.

Of course a guy at work sort of asked me out... more like, "Do you want to hang out over the vacation" kind of thing... and while I admit I was tempted, I have zero desire to A. jettison the HL, B. make my life more complicated than it is now, and C. ever get involved with anyone where I work.