Examining the Real Truths
You know, you do get what you ask for in this world. That's something that's truer and truer as I move more into the future beyond the divorce, and I see it more as I examine my marriage and the events that precipitated its end.
What I wanted out of marriage, and what I asked for from my ex-husband, was what I got until the moment he left... was security. Out of the feeling of security came the feelings of love. It was because I felt safe enough to love him that I loved him. And I believe in commitments and was prepared to honor mine... it never occurred to me that he felt any other way than exactly as I did. He told me constantly that he loved me. That part of the marriage still baffles me, but it's given me a healthy sense of the reality of the frailty of others' minds and their ability to say something different (whether intentionally or unintentionally) than what is in their minds.
It's also given me a healthy suspicion of marriage in general. If people marry for love, then they divorce if love goes away. I think people have to commit to respecting each other, behaving well to each other, remaining faithful to each other, and to always do their best for one another, even when they don't want to, to allow a kind of love to maintain... a deep, enduring love borne of respect rather than the bright white light of passionate love that can burn itself out before "death parts us." Marriages that survive are tests of endurance, not love. Love does come and go. It's a feeling, not a reason to merge real estate and tangible assets with another person... and its absence was not a reason for my ex-husband to leave, not when there were no insurmountable problems.
It is not okay for someone in a marriage to just change his mind and opt out. Marriage is two people, not one making a unilateral decision.
But he did leave, and if he didn't grasp marriage the same way I did, then good riddance. I can console myself that remained faithful, and I remained loving, until I had no other recourse. But I don't know that I see marriage as idealistically as I did either. I'm not against remarrying, but I will be very choosy and picky about who I find worthy to marry, should I ever have another opportunity. There is nothing worth going through another divorce.
I can accept that the people in my life are in it for a while... rather than burdening burgeoning relationships with "forever," just a little while. Relationships ebb and flow... and those that persist, those that establish themselves as facts, those that become fixtures are the ones with permanent potential. But their existence is not a banner of forever; people can die, fall apart, change, or just go away. Even relationships with men. Especially relationships with men.
For a marriage to work in my future, I think the man would have to initiate it, desire it, and then wait for it to show me something beyond a little while. I did a lot of the work in my marriage, and I wanted it, though he did too at the time... next time, I need to be the flower, not the gardener, if there becomes a question of some kind of permanence.
But you know, I can blame society or blame my ex-husband... or sunspots... but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'd be in a relationship that's mutually satisfying and positive. In a way, my little tete a tete with the HL is the most honest relationship with a man that I've ever had, and as a result, is one of the most postive from that angle. I am not 100% happy or satisfied with it overall, but there are no mistaken understandings or situations where I'm explaining away behavior and making it into something acceptable to me. I think I'm dealing with more reality with him than with anyone else. It's an adjustment, but it's one that I think it's important to make.
In the same way, I've been thinking a lot about why I'm still seeing him. I almost eliminated the situation a couple of weeks ago; if he'd been home when I called him, I'd have gone down there to his place and drawn a line in the sand. But he wasn't there, and I didn't go down, and we're still dating. Why? It occurred to me. It's still worth it to see him. It's not about "could he be forever," it's more about today. When I've broken up int he past with men, it's been because the idea of seeing them again was becoming intolerable. Their company was becoming intolerable. In one situation, I did pass up one guy for another, but the lion's share of times were because I just didn't want to be around them anymore. Sometimes, I figured it out quickly, and sometimes it took YEARS, but when it occurred to me, then it was easy to end things. With the HL, I don't feel that way. Most of the time, I look forward to seeing him, even if it's one of the rare times he's grumpy, even if I'm tired, even if he's in one of his moods. Even more than I like him I think, I like his family. There's always been something natural and familar about being part of his family. Then, I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. There are still reasons to stay with him... and most of all because, quite simply, I'm not really looking for forever, and right now, it still pleases me.
What I wanted out of marriage, and what I asked for from my ex-husband, was what I got until the moment he left... was security. Out of the feeling of security came the feelings of love. It was because I felt safe enough to love him that I loved him. And I believe in commitments and was prepared to honor mine... it never occurred to me that he felt any other way than exactly as I did. He told me constantly that he loved me. That part of the marriage still baffles me, but it's given me a healthy sense of the reality of the frailty of others' minds and their ability to say something different (whether intentionally or unintentionally) than what is in their minds.
It's also given me a healthy suspicion of marriage in general. If people marry for love, then they divorce if love goes away. I think people have to commit to respecting each other, behaving well to each other, remaining faithful to each other, and to always do their best for one another, even when they don't want to, to allow a kind of love to maintain... a deep, enduring love borne of respect rather than the bright white light of passionate love that can burn itself out before "death parts us." Marriages that survive are tests of endurance, not love. Love does come and go. It's a feeling, not a reason to merge real estate and tangible assets with another person... and its absence was not a reason for my ex-husband to leave, not when there were no insurmountable problems.
It is not okay for someone in a marriage to just change his mind and opt out. Marriage is two people, not one making a unilateral decision.
But he did leave, and if he didn't grasp marriage the same way I did, then good riddance. I can console myself that remained faithful, and I remained loving, until I had no other recourse. But I don't know that I see marriage as idealistically as I did either. I'm not against remarrying, but I will be very choosy and picky about who I find worthy to marry, should I ever have another opportunity. There is nothing worth going through another divorce.
I can accept that the people in my life are in it for a while... rather than burdening burgeoning relationships with "forever," just a little while. Relationships ebb and flow... and those that persist, those that establish themselves as facts, those that become fixtures are the ones with permanent potential. But their existence is not a banner of forever; people can die, fall apart, change, or just go away. Even relationships with men. Especially relationships with men.
For a marriage to work in my future, I think the man would have to initiate it, desire it, and then wait for it to show me something beyond a little while. I did a lot of the work in my marriage, and I wanted it, though he did too at the time... next time, I need to be the flower, not the gardener, if there becomes a question of some kind of permanence.
But you know, I can blame society or blame my ex-husband... or sunspots... but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'd be in a relationship that's mutually satisfying and positive. In a way, my little tete a tete with the HL is the most honest relationship with a man that I've ever had, and as a result, is one of the most postive from that angle. I am not 100% happy or satisfied with it overall, but there are no mistaken understandings or situations where I'm explaining away behavior and making it into something acceptable to me. I think I'm dealing with more reality with him than with anyone else. It's an adjustment, but it's one that I think it's important to make.
In the same way, I've been thinking a lot about why I'm still seeing him. I almost eliminated the situation a couple of weeks ago; if he'd been home when I called him, I'd have gone down there to his place and drawn a line in the sand. But he wasn't there, and I didn't go down, and we're still dating. Why? It occurred to me. It's still worth it to see him. It's not about "could he be forever," it's more about today. When I've broken up int he past with men, it's been because the idea of seeing them again was becoming intolerable. Their company was becoming intolerable. In one situation, I did pass up one guy for another, but the lion's share of times were because I just didn't want to be around them anymore. Sometimes, I figured it out quickly, and sometimes it took YEARS, but when it occurred to me, then it was easy to end things. With the HL, I don't feel that way. Most of the time, I look forward to seeing him, even if it's one of the rare times he's grumpy, even if I'm tired, even if he's in one of his moods. Even more than I like him I think, I like his family. There's always been something natural and familar about being part of his family. Then, I still find him devastatingly physically attractive. There are still reasons to stay with him... and most of all because, quite simply, I'm not really looking for forever, and right now, it still pleases me.
posted by bluedana @ 5:18 PM
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