Aftermath

Today's the first hard day since the breakup. It's been one week. I'm sitting here not wishing things were different, exactly, but sad and grieving in my own way that I have to deal with emotions. I guess that's the more precise thing to say -- today's the first emotional day since the breakup. It doesn't help that today's the first day we've spoken since it happened, and he was friendly and solicitious and sweet... I hope it's at least another week until we talk again. I think some distance is a good idea after all, for all that I don't want it back.

My friend P's been in the hospital this entire time after a very difficult and traumatic delivery of her son... but I'm sick, and it's probably smart to stay here... but maybe I'll take down some cookies or something all the same. She doesn't know about me and the HL breaking up, because in light of her personal situation, it's not that important... anyway, she hates him, and she'll be pleased secretly although she'll be sad that I'm sad at all.

I had lunch yesterday with A, which was weird. We've never been alone together, and we weren't supposed to be yesterday, but no one else showed up for lunch. He's interesting to me in a bug-under-the-microscope kind of way. He's quite possibly the most commitment-phobic person I've ever met... he can't even own a house let alone have anything approaching a typical relationship with a woman. He said he even bought one once, and it gave him anxiety attacks, so he sold it three months later. I pointed out, "They have pills for that," but hey, it is what it is, and I'm finally learning to accept some truths as immutable. People ARE the way they ARE, and they might evolve, but they don't really become different. He seems to think that knowing yourself and doing what's right for you is the thing, that just because society or family or friends think you should live a certain way to be happy doesn't make it so... I wonder, though, can thousands of years of human history be wrong? Is he opting out of a traditional family and any kind of material trappings out of choice or weakness? He thinks it's the former, but I can't help but wonder... living without any external accountability means you don't belong anywhere. What motivates people not to belong?

Dawning of a New Day

It's over... for real this time, for keeps, no doubts, no take-backs. We had "the talk" Monday, and it's Wednesday now, and the screaming in my head has stopped. I am sad... but I'm also excited, and I'm no longer slogging through a depression that began at the beginning of the month and was growing increasingly desperate until finally coming to a head with our breakup.

It was overdue... if you've read all these entries, you know I saw the writing on the wall long ago. The thing is, I wasn't strong enough all those other times to take the step to ending it. I don't feel strong right now... I'm kind of back to being vulnerable like after my ex-husband left, though it's not so gut wrenching or helpless... but for all my sadness or vulnerability, I know that leaving him in my past is right. I know it for sure now. I couldn't have married him... it's like the hockey player or what my marriage became... not good enough now to make it something lasting. It was time to give up when I just couldn't keep hoping anymore.