Desire

I read in a book some kind of eastern saying... "The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man." Bingo! Why the HL's moving on is so painful to me.

Wanting to Be Wanted

I've been thinking the past couple weeks about how I handle myself with TCMT. It's different than with most other relationships I've had. I still have some of the same instincts of behavior, but I find myself going against those instincts more often than not, and this whole process is interesting to me.

When I found my first serious boyfriend when I was 18, I was a cohesive and whole person. Relationships were essentially solid and enduring in my life, and having a boyfriend seemed a curious thing; I had no unmet needs that I understood as such, so having a man was a pleasant and lovely thing. It was simple, and it was fun. Eventually, it got complicated and distinctly not fun, but we hung in there for four and a half years until I got a clue and changed it. I immediately leapfrogged into another relationship of a much shorter duration (eight months), and from that one into yet a third (three months). But the point is that from 1989 until 1995, I had a significant male companion in my life, and the second two came from wanting to fill the hole that the first one left behind. I stopped being cohesive, and like so many people, I thought another relationship would fill the gaps.

I took about eight months off from guys until I met my now ex-husband at the end of that year. But we met during an intensely difficult and vulnerable time in both of our lives. While we knew each other almost three years by the time we got married (while I thought that intervening time allowed us to create a relationship built on a genuine and mutual love, not the sand of insecurities and fears that essentially brought us together in the beginning), those years were full of challenges, moves, arguments, frustrations, and unpredictabilities that only with the advantage of hindsight I see for the minefield that it was. So: he left me early in 2004. I met the HL within two months... way too soon, but then again, I didn't mean for a multi-year relationship to come out of it.

Anyway, for most of those relationships, I behaved as a person wanting to please. I did lovely things for the men in my life. I found little presents they'd like. I'd knock myself out cooking for them. I'd stroke their egos. I'd take care of the whitenoise in the background in all sorts of ways to make their lives easier. I thought, "If I can be indispensible to him, he will ADORE me for all the nice things I do for him." And it worked for years, at least until my husband left. That was the first time a man ever left me, and not the other way around. Now, the HL really put his foot down about much of this indulgent behavior, and while I grabbed an occasional check or produced an occasional treat, I learned (by trial and error, mind you) to avoid spoilage like the absolute plague. It's not his style. Funny how we learn to modify ourselves to suit those around us.

Maybe that's exactly what I'm talking about now. I find myself reverting back to the "If I can be good enough, I'll earn his adoration" thing with TCMT and consciously stopping myself from acting on it. Because, like A said to me ones, I am the GOOD THING. I myself am enough. I don't have to "make an effort" for someone really to like me. I can do just what feels natural and good, not desperate. After all, if he likes me, he likes me, and no amount of "effort" to "earn his adoration" will make him like me more, no matter how much he likes what I do for him.

Now, I did volunteer to visit his dog on Mondays when he goes to grad school; otherwise, the dog would be inside for 15+ hours. But I see that not only as a loving gesture, but also payment for a cosmic debt to those who helped me with grad school in various ways. Also, I volunteered to vacuum his carpet -- as a quid pro quo to borrow his fantastic vacuum cleaner for my own house. I've brought him lunch or treats from Panera, but those small gestures make me feel good, and don't feel out of line. Globally, when we go out, expense probably winds up being about even in the end. I could offer to do more. In the past, I think I would have done more. All sorts of things. And TCMT, considering his financial situation, might have really have gone for that. But I don't want him to be a parasite, leeching off of me. I want him to be the man. And it's his life, and his situation is his to administer in his own way... he's made his choices, and as an adult, he must be responsible for them. Instead, I choose to have faith that on my own, I am enough. I haven't felt that way in so long... and it's liberating. It's heady! It's awesome.

Lonely versus Being Alone

I am determined to get a haircut today! It needs a good trim; it's getting heavy. Yes, I want it to grow, but I don't want it to get so it pulls the curl out, either.

My cold is progressing to the sneezing and coughing stage, which is a good thing... the headache is going away, and and so's the sore throat, so the congestion is moving out through the coughing and sneezing. Another day or two, and it should be mostly gone.

I'm leaving to work out in thirty minutes.

Anyway, as time goes by this week, I can't help but wonder about the purpose of relationships based on the context of my own expectations. I want to feel celebrated... secure... nurtured... and doesn't that sound like treating me like a child? I somehow maybe equate being a quasi-child with ultimate security like my parents gave me? How peculiar to imagine that. But at the same time, it's difficult to accept that there's no actual security, that someone could promise to love me forever and then renege on it. But without offering that security, what's the purpose of the relationship? If I'm doing all the "work" for my life right now anyway, and if I'm strong enough to be on my own and can meet my own needs, then what's the point of a relationship? I get caring and affection and blah blah blah, but nobody needs a man for that, per se.

What happens with the TCMT, I think he wants the same thing, for him. I think HE wants the care and nurturing, too... and it's like Charles and Diana, both kept waiting for the other one to take care of one another, and nobody did it.

I know I'm strong. I'm entirely strong. I can do anything, put up with anything... once I know I'm safe... but no one ever is. Not really. So is my strength a fallacy? Only now am I starting to see how much of a driving force I was in the evolution of my marriage and how few choices for us my ex husband actually made, and how both of our motivations were affected by issues not connected with making a strong and healthy choice to develop our lives together. I talked to my friend from work K about the idea of mistaken intentions yesterday. He was divorced, too, and remarried about ten years ago. I guess if I grow to love someone like he did, then it can happen again. But I can't imagine it in the abstract, because I entered my marriage with good intentions, and I was wrong. Despite my intentions, I know now that I really was wrong, wrong to get married with unresolved baggage, wrong to overlook some character flaws in my ex husband. I did that, no question. Anyway, A says that I'd be different the second time, wiser and more careful... and maybe she's right. I'd like to think so. Anyway, when I don't have a man in my life, I can't imagine kissing someone or letting someone touch me... it's only when there's a specific person and feelings involved that such things become possible again.

So anyway, like with the HL, I'm dating TCMT without any expectations other than finding the truth that will emerge from being with him. There isn't a right or wrong answer, just the real one. Either he can add to my life, or he can't, and if he detracts from my life, he needs taken out of it. I don't need to be married. In fact, I don't want to be married if it's wrong again. Like C and I discussed last weekend when we were making dinner plans for Tuesday, "Who cares about things like biological clocks if you get married precipitously and wind up hating each other in thirty years?" What good does that do to anybody?