These Are the Days

So... what? Well, he and I had a disquieting conversation on Easter night that made me somewhat approach him regarding his intentions with me. We were discussing his sister's impending divorce and that I want to break her husband's kneecaps. He started spouting the same rhetoric that, in January, made us allegedly break up about "sometimes people change" and "accept it, don't fight it." I went home somewhat disturbed.

The next day I bit the bullet and asked him about it. I reiterated that if he really believes that about relationships, then I don't know how to reconcile it with what he said in January about us having potential to go the distance and keep promises we'd extend to each other. He clarified that in talking about "people" he isn't talking about "me and you" for whom he still maintains what he said in January is true. Then he speculated I'd never be able to see the difference between general conversations about relationships and our specific situation. Well, hearing that tidbit rankled, so I pointed out its inherent unfairness (this was the FIRST time we'd discussed relationships in months, and asking for clarification about something that confused me isn't casting aspersions or doubts as to his word... so his saying I was establishing a pattern wasn't reasonable) and he granted the point, however gruffly.

The HL had a good visit yesterday... on many levels... and as I sit here, I feel pretty good about him. At the same time, the math teacher has returned to my orbit... he wanted to get margaritas Friday, and I almost capitulated, but I'm just not comfortable meeting this particular coworker after work, not without serious resolution on the HL front. When I mentioned the possibility of drinks to the HL, he was like, "Go if you want to go; you're a grown woman," but I said that I didn't think it was appropriate, and if the tables were turned, I myself wouldn't be comfortable with HIM going out with an attractive coworker who had established her interest in him... I think his approach is threefold... "Let her go to do as she pleases (because seeing what it pleases her to do is quite revealing); drinks after work aren't important anyway, and either I trust her or I don't and have confidence in myself or I don't, and I do." I would like to ask him... as a part of me would love to hear, "Excuse me, you're having drinks with WHOM?" But I can have drinks with other men who haven't been flirting with me for months or stuck that relationship vibe out there, and that IS okay. With the math teacher, for me myself, it's just not okay. He's attractive, and he's altogether too tempting.

So... no, I've not made any progress insofar as the de jure aspect of our relationship, but I think I have made de facto progress. Rejecting the math teacher also sends a message of my intentions to the HL. Sticking up for myself does, too. And that's progress for ME, to stand up as MYSELF, that was hard in my marraige and throughout the past two years.

Easter

Well, I think I've eliminated the issue with the cute math teacher... I don't know that he realized matters between the HL and me are ongoing. When I said no, they're not resolved yet, I didn't hear back from him at all. So... if he didn't know I'm not thoroughly available, and if that bothers him, then perhaps now he wants nothing to do with me.

Or, he got busy and just didn't write back.

It doesn't matter. The math teacher is a lovely, gracious, very tall and attractive man who has no vested interest in my life, so he ought to be easy to jettison, and not having him there should make it possible for me to focus on the HL, because the feelings there are THERE, and while he's made it clear that while he's in blitz-work mode there is no time to untangle a relationship, at the same time, the more we continue seeing each other, the more (on my end) the relationship continues to grow.

Our physical life has fallen far by the wayside lately, which I'm attributing to the busy-ness that's pervading both of our lives. He's been working mostly 12+ hour days, and I've been on the run with graduate school too, so often we tend to "meet in the middle" for dinner, then continue home to our own corners of the world. Hard to get hot and heavy in the dining room of a Chili's.

I was analyzing our progress through the four stages of falling in love that I read on the interent. According to the site, the first stage is assumption, which is gauging whether the person is desireable or possible to love. I think we're both quite past that. It's been two years, and if the assumption doesn't work, then neither party gets anywhere.

The second stage is attraction, which goes deeper than desireability on a primordial level to see if the person DESERVES to be loved. Does the family approve? What does the peer group say? How does the couple seem to fit together? I think the HL challenges me and my thinking a good deal, but in my life, I see a pattern of finding such men attractive. We are there for each other outside of our own needs, and we continue exploring.

Then comes infatuation, the onset of feelings as inspired by the other person as a result of the connection. Mine are mostly BAD. There are times when I look at him, mostly when he doesn't know I'm watching or has fallen asleep, when he seems so sweet, I almost can't bear it. But would I feel like that about anybody? If I have to assess it, I think we're stuck somewhere in this level, the third level our of four. We know one another, and we're aware of one another, but we haven't jumped to mature love.

Mature love, according to this website, makes it all about the other person. The love just is. It doesn't matter if the person is perfect or wonderful, the love is a thing, and it will not change, like the air we breathe.

Now that I type this out, I see that he himself is stuck at the third stage... he wants a perpetual infatuation in order to protect his feelings, and he doesn't get that letting go actually can move him forward into a deeper and more meaningful relationship than he's ever had. Maybe not with me... but ever. I have no utter faith that he won't hurt me no matter what, as I'd want to have in mature love, and as I WOULD have in mature love, which is whole and a gift and immutable.

Can we get to that?

We need to talk about it.

I may need to make an appointment with him to resolve this. Once and for all. And none of that friend bullshit. I mean, we either are capable of mature love, even if we aren't there quite yet, or we're not. Either we're capable of committing ourselves to the us to work out problems, well, then we deserve a chance to air that out and find out what's on his mind, but in mature love, those things don't matter. They're fluff on the radar and have nothing to do with the target.

By this assessment, perhaps I can end it myself, on the strength of what I realize.

That's very scary thought. It makes my stomach drop. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, perhaps I'm not really losing anything I really want, and that hurts, too. To think that.

Head Aches

I am tired... really tired. I'm sitting here on the couch watching Friends reruns and feeling just exhausted. The HL's been super-busy with work, so I am not seeing him much, and I'm getting intrigued again by the cute math teacher at work. I'm tired of it all being a thing, you know? I just sometimes wish everything and everyone would GO AWAY.

I'm not really at that low of an ebb, just tired. I took my friend C out for dinner tonight as a payback dinner, and we had a fine time that's left me with a headache... we drank water, but I guess the ideas we talked about weren't light enough to leave me emotionally unencumbered.

I have a paper due in four days, a birthday party in two, and a major, major test in two (the same morning). I'm TIRED.

What do I think? I think people are wearing me out. Maybe I need to be alone for a few days.