A Different Light

I got a piece of mail (dropped off, not delivered) from the ex-husband yesterday, which included a fairly friendly note, and it spawned an urge to talk with him to get (finally) some answers about WHY he did what he did in abandoning our marriage, which is a conversation that we've not really had, but for the night he announced that he was considering leaving me. I mentioned these feelings to the Hunky Latino, who encouraged me to follow-through and try to put everything behind me. He says he's noticed that I continue to bear questions, so perhaps having that conversation will finally give me some kind of closure so I can move forward.

However, when I talked to S, she was rather less than unilaterally supportive. She didn't seem to think he'd have anything with any point to contribute. She wound up our conversation with the friend mantra, "Well, if you have to do this, then don't listen to anyone else, and do what you have to do." I was puzzled. People used to tell me to to just talk to him, and there I was proposing to do that very thing, and I was getting questioning dubiousness. So I called A, who did support the idea like the Hunky Latino. When I mentioned it later that evening to my uncle, he seemed downright exasperated I would even consider doing something like that.

"What would you hope to gain?" he asked.

"I guess I want answers. We've never talked about this. We were married all those years, and I deserve more information than I've ever gotten from him," I asserted.

"You know what, I bet I myself could approximate what he'd say to you, and I don't see what the value would be... it'll just make you obsess over what he says, and it's not like you're ever going to get an answer that satisfies you."

"Then what would he say?" I asked.

He affected a sarcastic tone and said, mock-ex, "Oh, I was unhappy, I needed a change, I felt trapped, it wasn't what I wanted or needed." He switched back to his regular tone and added, "The bottom line is that he wasn't willing to do what it took to be in a healthy relationship. That's the only answer that matters."

When my uncle said that, it made a sound in my head. You know, I really could imagine my ex saying exactly that. What would I expect, that he'd say it was all a mistake? As my uncle pointed out, too, am I really going to believe anything he says anyway? And in the end, that is the only answer that matters, that he wasn't willing. That's the big question, should the opportunity to remarry ever arise. "Are you willing to work it out and stay married even if you don't want to at some point? Are you willingto honor your commitment above all else, no matter how 'all else' may change?" My ex-husband has demonstrated his unwillingness already, so why reestablish an open door for him? What is he going to be able to contribute to my life.

Nothing.

So... I think I am understanding that the real path to closure isn't through the ex. It's through myself, accepting that I married a fallible man who made his choice to leave, and it's no more or less complicated than that. If I think I need answers, I won't get them through him, not really, so I'll give him the privilege of staying away from me (now that he's gotten away) by not opening that door again. Either way, I'm not that curious about his life or interested in telling him about mine (he said he'd like to tell me about himself and hear about me, although he knows he's the one who put us in this position now). I was interested in talking was when I was still his wife and he was refusing to do it, hellbent as he was on ending our marriage as fast as he could. He doesn't deserve to know that I have a beautiful new nephew. Why should he care to know that I have published my very first school yearbook, from knowing nothing whatsoever to book-in-hand? And there's no point in telling him that I have a Hunky Latino in my life now who's hotter than he will ever or could ever be. There is just no point, nothing to be gained.

I'm a constructivist, so if there's nothing to be gained, then there's nothing.

Insight

Over the weekend, when the Hunky Latino and I continued conversing (these conversations are getting closer to home, closer to the heart of who I am), it dawned on me that he's been telling me the truth about what he thinks about some issues, and they are truths I was somehow dismissing because, frankly, I don't like them. But you know, they're truths that I need to acknowledge, because they're beginning to open my eyes so I can see the realities where he's concerned.

The more we talk, the more I understand that it's virtually impossible he will become a permanent part of my life. Right now, he's wholly unprepared for marriage, and I don't think he is ready as an individual for that kind of relationship... he's too cynical, too jaded, and too suspicious or self-protective. We like each other and have fun together, but beyond that, I think he's absolutely incapable. Also, he holds marriage to an entirely different standard than I do. These disparities between us trouble me, because I do not see a future for people which such fundamentally different values, especially without a mutual respect for one another's values, and perhaps that's the part I don't think he has for mine.

Also what bothers me is the conflict between a lot of what he says and how he acts... outwardly, he rejects valuing organized religion and the sacraments, he rejects the traditional views of marriage... but at the same time, he demonstrates taking responsibility and obligation very seriously, if he's incredibly selective about to whom he makes himself accountable and how. I think he does more for his family than I'm aware... financially, especially... I don't know. That apparent contradiction makes me curious.

Perhaps more of this relationship than I'm willing to admit is hormonal. While I like him a lot, I'm not in love with him; of course, there's not been a huge amount of emotional candor from him, which makes it difficult to establish any emotional intimacy... but then, when I just met my husband, we established "instant emotional intimacy," and look how THAT turned out. HL and I are really, finally, getting to know each other, and I don't know how it'll shake out. His utter rejection of what I believe in (though it wasn't personal... I am not taking this personally) and what I value I find to be a bother... I'm going to keep it in mind, but I'll take it a little further and see what happens. Maybe this heads-up is a sign that I'm regaining my own emotional equilibrium after the divorce and am ready for something a little more meaningful than going nowhere fast with an admittedly beautiful man who's never going to be able to be more than that for me.