Ayayayayayayay.

I am tired of work for the year. This is the easiest time of the year right now, with everything winding down but before the end of year hysteria sets in. The testing has concluded, and for a few weeks, life is actually FUN! We teach for fun, instead of teaching for testing and accountability, and it's a whole new world that way.

The HL and I are hanging in... we had a weekend last weekend that I'd term productive, not necessarily fun. By productive, I mean we talked about some real issues... we talked about them in the abstract, not personally, but real conversations about consequential matters and how we perceive and value them, are movement, to me. It keeps the interactions dynamic and meaningful, not simply social and trivial. We argued a little about marriage and what it means, and I have verified that he and I have NOTHING in common perspectively about it. Ha! At the same time, we made plans to travel back to my home state for my nephew's baptism, and we've worked in a trip of our own, at the same time. It'll occur during a difficult time of the work year, but I will surmount that obstacle later. Right now, I'm actually very excited about the plans we've made!

A few times after work in the past couple of weeks, I've headed down to a city park to rollerblade before going home. You know, it makes my day to do that. I go home feeling a lot prouder of myself, more exhilarated, and energized... and I sleep WONDERFULLY well. Fifty minutes of that kind of exercise is good for the soul, apparently, not just for the body.

Well?

Every time I watch SuperNanny, I'm grateful that I don't have those problems. I don't know how people have children without going crazy. I know that all children aren't as difficult as on this television show, but at the same time, they're basically egocentric and uncooperative little people. I'd be frustrated constantly trying to raise one.

The Hunky Latino called me today... he's in Louisiana fighting a speeding ticket that he got when the two of us and a bunch of his relatives went gambling there about two months ago. I think he's staying there tonight, as a matter of fact. He knew I was at class when he called, but this time the call pleased me, unline another time when he called during class; then, it annoyed me, because I figured he knew I wouldn't be able to talk. This time, he knew, too, but he's out of town, and who knows what's up? Maybe that was his good chance before a poker tournament or something. He thought of me, and that pleased me.

I talked with A last night about the growth I think I've made. I told her about my conversation with M, the Hunky Latino's cousin, and the idea that I can't make anyone happy, and no one should have to make me happy. She reminded me that in happy relationships, the two people do strive to honor one another and please each other, support one another and build up each other, but the happiness part is not the other person's responsibility. The other person's job is support... comfort... confidence... companionship... collaboration. Not trying to generate happiness by meeting the other person's needs... which is what I think I've wanted from the HL to feel important and valued. I really set myself up expecting that from anybody... and backing off a little in my own head from expecting so much all the time made something like a simple phone call a gift, not a mild annoyance like it was before when the HL called me during class.

I'm still not winning the entire flea fight, but I'm working on it.

Que Sera Sera

It's been another week, and my evolution continues. I sound like a science fiction movie. What happened in the past week? I've been busier than sin, and frankly, I think it's good for me. I completed my summative evaluation at work today, which is a clear indication that the school year is winding down. I just got back from a test tonight, and for it I had to complete two essays and a rather lengthy writing component itself. Also, grades for the fifth marking period were due today... it's been insane, pretty much. I think my summative went well, and I think the test went well, too... amazing how much I get done when I focus. On the home front, I got done remodeling my downstairs bathroom, which looks pretty good if not perfect. I'm still battling an ongoing flea problem, but it's diminishing, albeit more slowly than I'd like. At times, I still feel at loose ends. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the wide-openness of my future ahead of me.

As for the Hunky Latino... he was indeed home that night, and he had called, though my ringer was off. He had a test and got out of it early... so much for my distress and suspicion. We had a nice time together over the weekend, but I've done a little experimenting, and I'm seeing something of a change between us on a physical level. He's still affectionate, but beyond that, he seems only marginally interested in me, which is a definite change. Now, I have gained weight since he and I met, which was a actually a re-gain of weight I lost during the divorce; I met him when I was at my skinniest. Is he shallow, distracted, or disinterested? I don't know.

As I continue writing, I keep seeing the counterproductivity of depending on him in this dating relationship to meet any of my needs... how futile it is to expect really anyone to do that. It's really not his job, and it would be a band-aid over the work I need to do on myself anyway. I need to make myself happy, in the very wise words of the Hunky Latino's cousin M, with whom I went out Saturday night after poker. She was talking about her own situation... that saying "I'm not happy" wasn't justification for her husband leaving their marriage either; his happiness was not dependent on the marriage, but he needed to make himself happy, then happiness in his marriage would follow.

This was not a new idea to me, but somehow when I heard her say this, it made a really loud click in my mind. This idea is what my ex-husband needed to do, but didn't. His happiness was not the fault or responsibility of our marriage, but of him alone. I strove to make him happy by being what I thought a good wife was, but it didn't work, and you know, that's not my fault. But in the same way, now that I'm alone, I need to make myself happy, regardless of the Hunky Latino or of anyone else. I think it'd be a wonderful thing to find someone with whom my needs and his intersected... is the HL that? I don't know... I don't know if my needs have settled down enough to assess them for certain. I think they're beginning to do that, however. If I'm not flexing my muscles fully as BlueDana yet, I'm seeing again that I do have muscles, and they're important. Real.

Growing Whole

The thing that bothers me about the past year is how it's rocked my confidence and changed my needs. I had my life arranged in a managable way, so even the unexpected things that arose I could handle. I had faith in the systems I had created, and I thought I was building something for my future. When the RBFA (as my friend K calls him) chose to leave, then everything collapsed exactly like a house of cards. Not just the practical parts of my life like money and lifestyle changed, but the internal parts of me changed too. What motivated me changed. What I needed to feel comfortable again changed. How much I was willing to compromise to put myself back into a situation that where I could feel safe... what it took to feel good about myself... and you know, now that bothers me. The real BlueDana got lost under the weight of the events that went beyond her control.

In a way, I sold myself out. It wasn't my fault, and it's all perfectly understandable, but in my desperation to feel reassured that I had worth, I made choices and continue to make them that Whole BlueDana would not make. Not seeing Hunky Latino for almost a week has actually shown me that. Do I feel better about myself for seeing it? No, of course not. I want to handle everything perfectly, and I do want to be in love and have that wonderful support in my life. However, I feel better now that I see what the problem is, and I now I can address it. I see the point that A was trying to make that I need to enrich myself and worry less about what effect my choices will have on possibly transitory people like the Hunky Latino. He will handle himself by himself. My job is ME and my needs. But I've forgotten that in my hyperactive efforts to be WANTED. But I do want to be wanted... I don't think I can shut it off like a lightswitch... but I can work on it. He isn't there to meet my needs, he's there for me to have fun, so if I'm not having fun, I really need to refocus my orientation.

My work is also affected. I don't have the ability to manage the tasks at work that I had before the collapse. I think that's getting better, but on some level, I've set that goal. I'm trying to improve.

Oh, this is curious. The Hunky Latino just signed on. He's supposed to be at class right now and for the next two hours. He emailed me today, but I didn't reply... I did email him yesterday, and he called me that evening, but at the time he knew I myself would be in class. Well, duh. Now, here is a good example of what I mean... I find this provoking. He's behaving outside of the clear pattern, he's not acknowledging me, and well, the good news is that it's not making me uncertain or distressed as I sit here. I'm annoyed, but you know, I'm not surprised. I value patterns. I value stability. I value people who are candid about what's going on in their minds. This person has made it a point not to allow others to count on him.

What is wrong with me for tolerating this so long?

So what am I going to do about it?

I'll say hi to him and see what happens. Oh, whoops, he's gone. Imagine that. He vanished into the night. Weird.

You know, I've been grateful for this mini-break from him. I think I need to make it last as long as it possibly can.

Abba Father

I've been thinking a lot about God tonight. I've been thinking about how my life is going, and I've revisited the idea that good things that I want to happen don't necessarily happen becuase I want them or have worked for them. Just like salvation is a gift, not an entitlement or merit badge, so is good stuff. I mean, I want what I want, and if I thought I'd get it by making sweeping changes in my life, I'd do that... but the fact is that I might not get what I want, because I don't control everything, and this is a mighty big lesson in humility.

I want to be married in a stable relationship and have my own family... but just by wanting that, I won't necessarily get it. For Pete's sake, I thought I HAD that for six years, at least the marriage part, and it was all-too-easy for my husband to just up and leave, just to be here one day and gone the next. Though I didn't find what I wanted with him, I still do want it, and I think I owe it to myself to be the kind of person who'd have that kind of relationship, and to be the kind of woman a man like I want would value. I need to regain control of my time, my profession, my goals, my faith. While I might not get what I want, that doesn't reduce the significance I see in being worthy of it, either.

A and I have talked lately about marriage... she said I married my husband for the wrong reasons... marrying a man for the wrong reasons, she says, dooms it to fail. I don't know... I see plenty of people who got married for other reasons than encompassing love and they seem able to work hard, keep their family a priority, and stay married. She has a romantic and fulfilling marriage at which they both work very hard... both WANT to work very hard... and I didn't have that if it failed, obviously, but I don't think most people have that. While the reasons may've been wrong at least to her, I thought my husband and I were growing together and happy... at least I was. Do I want to settle for less, now that I have a chance to find it? No, of course not. But I think it might not be in the cards for me somehow. I'm willing to marry the man who will will work with me, who will fulfill his promise... who wants what I want... but she says that the love comes first, and the details you can work out together. I don't know. I don't think I'm jaded, but I see that point of view as short-sighted and not entirely realistic. I think people make the decisions they want to make, and if I'd married a man who intended to marry once and honor that commitment come hell or high water, as I did, I'd still be married, romantic notions or no. I don't know that I'd fall in love with a man who didn't have my goals and values, or who wouldn't at least be willing to share his with me and take on mine with his.

That brings me to the eternal topic, the Hunky Latino, with whom I'm rather distressed tonight. I think A sees this pseudorelationship as a real relationship with potential, but while it bears the forms of a real relationship, it isn't one. It's merely dating. I want it to be one, although probably it's stupid of me to have one, but it's just not one. What forms does it bear? I know his family pretty well by now. Our parents have met each other. We've been dating for almost a year. We spend major holidays together. We've spend most weekends together (but not last weekend, though we had plans, which is the generation of my distress).

How is it still merely dating? Though I'm almost frantic for one, we have a minimal emotional connection. I am guarded and closed around him to the point of tension. He's made it clear that he's not accountable to me or anyone, and while he'd rather not share me with anyone else, as I'd rather not share him, he'll let me know should that change. I cannot let myself depend on him, as I feel he doesn't want me to. I'm scared to divulge any needs to him, lest he let me know he won't meet them... he's not anxious to please me. Perhaps that's a hangover from my marriage, but at the same time, it's a distinct feeling nonetheless. These things are what I'd expect from a "real" relationship. They are absent from this... which sounds, when you review it, rather like "just dating."

What's really shallow of me is that if he looked like a troll, I really wonder if I'd be seeing him anymore... but he's just so attractive to me physically... that I haven't actually gone through with it. There's a part of me inside that keeps partying that this incredibly beautiful man is spending time with me.

He wants to date based on his behavior. Dating = being accountable only to himself with no merging of the minds or habits, spending social time and personal time, but not internal capital. Relationship = a romance that's going somewhere, with at least a spiritual or emotional connection and accountability. Maybe he's not sure if he wants this to go somewhere... A says that dating's about finding that out... but it's been ten months. I don't want to be wasting my time.