Ceasless Variety

Well, our favorite person, the Hunky Latino, made it pretty clear he'd be tied up with homework all weekend and that we wouldn't see each other. It's amazing my response to this... I'm both listless for waiting to hear from him and at the same time so empowered that I am free from the onus of hanging out with him. I know, I know... the writing is there in front of me, staring me in the face. This "affair" has run its course. He is who he is, and that's not the right man for me. I need a man who believes in the possibility of forever and wants that for himself and his future. I need a man who wants a relationship he can count on, and who can be open and collaborative, not a switch-flipper.

If he liked me enough, then perhaps there'd be room for negotiation, but I don't think he does. I think we're good friends, fundamentally. We enjoy each other, but the need to leave enough room for our differences makes it impossible for us to draw close enough together to develop the depth and complexity of a real relationship. He's relativist, and I'm an idealist... and I don't want to be a relativist. I like the goal of forever, the goal of absolutes. He doesn't see that as reasonable. He thinks I'm naive, and I think he's jaded. Now, if he were idealistic enough to let his feelings go, and if he fell in love with me enough to believe these ideals were possible, then perhaps we'd have enough room for a serious discussion, but he doesn't... how can he, when he sees me as somewhat childlike? If I were realistic enough to admit that life's a total crap shoot and sometimes things change, then maybe we could be closer, but that to me is tatamount to granting tacit permission for him to leave me, even if we were married, becuase "sometimes, things change." I can't do that. It's impossible for me to ever think it's okay to bail on a marriage merely because one spouse happened to change his or her mind.

I have a feeling that he's reflecting on these same issues right now. He didn't call me yesterday. Of course, I didn't call him either, but he's the one who professed unstinting busy-ness, and far be it from me to interfere.

So, what am I going to do? I am admitting to myself that this relationship is going nowhere. I think I'm going to back off myself, for a while. I need to shore up my own inner resources and separate from him physically and psychologically before I bring this up. Then -- we talk. We see what both of us agree is the right direction.

It's been a greatly stressful time lately, with Rita and my inept attempt to evacuate, work stress, house stress, and graduate school stress. I even took off a day last week to try and get a grip on everything, and that time helped immensely. I also went to the gyn for a follow-up appointmentl; everything seems okay, but they took a biopsy anyway and want to see me again in six months. I'm not totally comfortable with this issue in a general way, but I comfortable enough to wait and see without unnecessary preoccupation.

Yesterday, my friend D from graduate school climbed onto my roof and trimmed my trees for me. What a big help that was! He also used a few extra shingles I found in my garage to patch up a couple of spots that the branches had scraped off of the house. Now THAT is a man. He's busy, he's got personal-life issues, he's got graduate school and work and an ex-wife and a half, but he's got time to be there for someone when he sees a need. The HL is preoccupado. I think I'll just let him be.