Love Hurts

It's taken me two days to be able to write that the HL is now sleeping with someone new. The news decimated me, and it actually had an impact on my life through to TCMT, who HAS not called today. Before I knew about HL's relationship moving to the biblical sense, such an omission wouldn't have registered, but now, I find myself feeling vulnerable and exposed somehow, and I really resent that.

But blaming the HL is pointless. If anything, his decision making here altogether clearly supports the entire idea of how wrong we are for each other. What's important to each of us is a whole universe apart. Maybe if I ever get over the emotional residue of this relationship, we can be friends... which I think was all we ever should have been in the first place. But right now... more than a chat online (no phones... no face to face visits) is more than adequate.

Also, my feelings are my issue. It's my own sense of attachment to him that's getting me into trouble here. But I never had the guy when I HAD him, so getting upset that he's moved on so quickly -- and so thoroughly -- especially considering our disparate values is my own fault. I keep expecting more... even NOW that we're broken up... and I self-flagellate when it doesn't happen.

And TCMT hasn't called, and I'm annoyed. K says that I should remember men don't like clingy women and find them a turnoff. Well, there are men out there who'd be DELIGHTED to pay attention to me, and if TCMT is actually going to blow cold now, after blowing hot for several days in a row, that certainly tells ME something, doesn't it? And he IS blowing cold, although he was telling me only last weekend how happy he was finally to have kissed me... how he's going to be around a long time... that he's eager to move forward. Well, yeah, the way to do that is not to call me for days on end, that's for sure. That's how to keep my inclinations favorable.

I had closed down an internet dating site I had opened, just because I hadn't felt ready to make much use of it beyond browsing, but now is actually an EXCELLENT time to make some friends on there and to establish a social life, if only to avoid putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for a fall. Grr.

This is the way we move on....

So... TCMT and I have been spending a lot of time together, and while my wholly objective side is cautious about the wisdom of it simply from a "one frying pan into another" point of view, the rest of me can't help but acknowledge how utterly nice it is to spend time with a man who seems really to like me, appreciate me, and feel happy just to have me around. It doesn't help that he's quite attractive, either. I've been intrigued by him for months, and it's somehow appropriate to give him a chance, my own feelings a chance, and see what might evolve after all the months of circling each other as I resolved matters with the HL. If there's a problem, it's that I like a man who smells great, even mysterious and exotic... and I think he even uses unscented soap and laundry detergent! He notices when I myself smell good, so there's a commensurate card to play here... I want that same olfactory charge for ME! Maybe the men's body spray pandemic has gotten to me, and I expect every guy to smell like something other than musky skin. But I love that. I love to inhale it, I love when it lingers on my clothes... I'm a sucker for masculine fragrance. Always have been. I have to find a way to tell him that.

The HL has moved on as well and is dating another girl. While I handled the breakup with aplomb, I confess that when I learned this news, I started to cry. It means it's really over, that he really didn't want me. The fact that I didn't want him was somehow irrelevant. I wanted him to want me, to realize what a gem I am, to understand that looks fade or get boring, but someone with my loyalty, talent, and devotion is rare and precious. He thinks we can remain friends, indeed seems desperate to remain friends, but as I discussed with my aerobics friend L yesterday, the feelings can't just disappear from the equation. "But I don't want to date him anymore (this is true... I was heartsick in the weeks leading up to the breakup, and the idea of continuing what had become a farce was increasingly intolerable to me), and obviously, he doesn't want to date me, so why not?" I asked her. She just looked at me with those sardonic brown eyes and said, "That's why," she said, referring to my confession that the news of his new girl bothered me. "That doesn't go away when you stop dating, and it's always going to bother you, and there's always a question about why didn't it work or could it work someday, and it hurts, so I wouldn't do it."

She has a point.

Hmmmmmm

So... the cute math teacher and I have spent a couple of evenings together, once with others and another ourselves. Very... weird. It brings to light the rhythms of relationships and how "learning" each other is a process. The rules with TCMT are different than with the HL or even my ex-husband. Unwritten rules take time to understand. Taking on this process with another person is daunting to me. Has it been long enough for me to get past the HL's and my patterns? Am I ready to attempt establishing new ones? Do I even want to bother? No. I don't. I want to have fun, stay light, and not worry so much. Isn't that how it's supposed to be in the beginning? It's what A's always said. Maybe she's right. So... if I want to spend time with him, then I've got to control my expectations at this early stage and focus on the evening at hand, a fun time for all.

At the same time, at least as far as our last evening went, we're seriously attracted to each other. The physical elements that emerge in relationships are another thing to consider. While I achieved a comfort level in my physical relationship with the HL, I don't know that I feel ready for one with TCMT, for all the apparent chemistry. The potential for something amazing is there... we have the firepower... but, well, we work together, like at work together, and besides, I'm not interested in a fling. But... no expectations... right? And I can put on brakes when I need to... just stay mindful that I want more for myself. I mean, I don't know yet that I want more with him, but I know I don't want just that with anybody. And I have to have the nerve to discuss it when the fireworks aren't flashing, when we're calm and friendly and open. Also, there's the whole issue of diseases and previous partners and protection... having to talk about these kinds of things really does put a damper on the ardor. But I worked them out with the HL, and I guess when I find a new relationship, I can work them out again. But I'm jumping the gun! Jumping! Stay light! Enjoy!

I don't know. It's a hot (very hot sometimes) and cold thing... I don't know. I don't think I'm supposed to know yet, though. Ride it out and see what's going to happen... remaining true to what I myself need, and what's right for me.

Dos mas semanas

Well, now it's almost three weeks since the HL and I broke up. It's okay. It's lonely to think of being alone, but at the same time (and especially when I read my posts here), I'm convinced it's necessary and good. I don't want to date him anymore, so it's the way things have to be.

He was a huge help to me in our friends mode, when my laptop decided to break down just as my graduate work was coming to a conclusion. Once again, he saved my butt, and these are the gestures that make me want to stay his friend.

My friend C from the YMCA is supposed to be coming back to town tomorrow. I haven't heard from her lately, but we (the gym people and I) are planning to go "party" Saturday night down at a Mexican restaurant in a sort of outdoor mall here. With all the rain we've having, we might need to move to the downstairs covered patio instead. It's been the soggiest Fourth of July season I can remember.

My graduate school work is done, and that's an enormous relief (I may need to rework my comprehensive exam, but the work itself is done). Life is calming down. I'm almost but not quite ready to venture out in to the real world as a single adult woman. It may take another couple of months.