Haircuts and Heartache

My hair is a nasty mess. Why doesn't it ever seem to grow? It's no longer now than it ever was, and I want so badly for it to grow out. TCMT gave himself a disadvantageous haircut last night... he needs to take some vitamins and help it grow faster! Yikes!

Speaking of which, we did have the testing issue arise over the weekend, and I feel comfortable now that he WILL get tested, albeit not as fast as I myself would prefer. Ah, well, I'm flexible, so it's not a crisis.

Life is pretty good. Well, my doctor's appointment got postponed until tomorrow, and I'm surprised that it's bothering me as much as it is. I just lost my nerve a little last year when I got called back for abnormal cells, and I skipped the six month visit they asked me to make... I am sure I'm fine, essentially. But part of me does think I have, maybe, a minor urological problem, and I have a feeling that they'll urge me see another specialist. I always come up with blood in my sample, and I just hate it when they get preachy about it. I can't think it's serious... my body is working fine, and I'm not in any pain... but doctors have a way of pulling back the shades so light shines on all the ugly realities I don't want to see or notice. I just want to go in, get poked a few times, and go home.

If it weren't for wanting to remain on birth control, I think I'd stop going to the gynecologist altogether... which I know in my rational mind is a dumb thing to omit... there are so many problems that can percolate inside a woman... but I just hate the potential for bad news that exists there.

On a better side, I'm going to dinner with C, who's the HL's roommate. We've always liked each other, and we have decided that we mean to remain friends wholly OUTSIDE of our common link to the HL. That is, we aren't going to discuss him, refer to him, or consider him a factor, WE are going to be friends, period. We're not romantic at all... he discusses with me the women who interest him, as he's always done, and he knows about TCMT... and of course he had front row seats to the HL and me... but he's a talkative, interesting, engaging guy who's come through for me when I've needed a friend (like, rides from the airport... or emergency cat-sitting issues)... I hope to keep him in my life.

It's fascinating to see more objectively the HL through C's eyes, too... their little symbiotic yet dysfunctional roommate relationship is fascinating.

I've also set up a reunion of sorts with my graduate cohort, and so far, it's 100% interested... they are all planning to come... amazing!

Manipulation

I am sort of caught in a quandry. I want TCMT to get a clean bill of health just to assure myself of what is what as we move closer together (which seems to be what is happening), yet I don't believe in nagging, browbeating, or insisting to get this to happen. I mentioned it about a month ago, and he seemed (over)eager to address it if that's what I wanted -- and promptly has done very little. I've made my request, and I feel it's now up to him to live up to this expectation. He's not doing it as expeditiously as I'd like... so the question is how to handle it. Let him do things on his own time frame, so I can learn what that is? Ask him how I can be helpful in expediting matters? Refuse to get any closer to him (in fact, allow a barrier to rise) as a result of his inattention to this issue, which is indeed a priority with me?

It's possible he doesn't comprehend that this issue is a priority in my mind. At the same time, the sad truth of the matter is that he's going to be VERY busy in coming weeks (work, school, and coaching), and there just might not be a good opportunity to address this request in the reasonably immediate future. Perhaps if I express the internal need I feel for an answer to this question, and he lets me know his perceived time frame in taking care of it, as well as impediments (his financial situation is tenuous; while he's able to meet his needs, he is in progress of obtaining a green card and has retained an attorney to assist with the process, as well as a nice home, a pool, and graduate school; these tests are not necessarily inexpensive, as I know what his health insurance covers, having the same kind) we can establish a game plan to resolve it, together.

Work has resumed for the school year and is going swimmingly. In every other part of my life, I am feeling more at peace than I have in years. It's nice. It's really nice. I could get used to it.

Responsive to Change

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." I read this quote in an article on Slate, and it struck a chord with me. The author quoted Charles Darwin in relation to the alleged terrorist plot that British and American authorites thwarted today, as he or she commented on the way to deal with terrorism... to understand that we die, but to conquer the evil, the rest of us prevail... we flow through the bad things, around them... and ultimately, we as a human race win by not giving up. After all, said the author, it's those of us who are most adaptable who will be the most able to survive.

I am not adaptable, not inherently. My friend D's son is highly adaptable, and the kid is only 14; I really envy him that and have told him so. He's moved to a new state and about to start at a new school, and he's anticipating the change! I would die. As it is, I'm noticing that I'm ready to go up in flames when TCMT fails to pay "enough" attention to me on a daily basis, and I'm beginning to understand how unhealthy and paranoid that behavior is. This burgeoning relationship isn't even a month old, and it's early for "shoulds" and flames, too, especially as I'm not wholly convinced that I even WANT him that much. Ah, but if HE wants ME unequivocally, then I get to choose or reject HIM; if I don't have his unqualified adoration, the entire game is different. Riskier. More frustrating.

However, separate from him, there are a few things about myself that I don't like that I've learned since he and I have begun spending time together. First, I am needy. I find myself a twitching and itching ball of nerves about him, and for God's sake, I don't even know that I want this guy in macro terms! But if I don't hear from him, or if he doesn't call when he says he will, I get all obsessive and ballistic, and that is NOT healthy, NOT the person I want to be. Ultimately, the problem is that I am craving ATTENTION. I want the validation that I'm attractive, appealing, desirable... that feeling... not necessarily TCMT himself for himself, and that's bad. Mean. Selfish.

So today... I decided to behave like the person I want to be, and not like the neurotic wenchbag of my id that's screaming for supremacy. I called him this morning and left a good-morning message... he texted me later about coming to his house for lunch (which we had discussed as a possibility, but which I ultimately didn't get to do), and then I texted him afterwards to ask about his afternoon... and I haven't heard back. I was really tempted to call him for my own peace of mind... but then I thought, the person I WANT to be wouldn't do that, because, dammit, I have a full, rich life to live altogether aside from men (instead, I went to a weight lifting class tonight, strengthening my body and my friendships at the gym instead of staring at the phone all evening long), and SO DOES HE have other friends, relationships, obligations, and needs to address on his own. Also, I know I WILL see him tomorrow, even if only surreptitiously (we work at the same location), and most importantly, I want HIM to make an effort, too, thereby proving to both of us that it's what he wants too... not me inflicting myself upon him. If I'm the one calling... reaching out... then he doesn't get the PRIVILEGE of doing that, of proving to himself (and to me) that it's what he wants, too. We have no concrete plans to see each other at the moment, and that's fine, too. He can initiate some if he wants.

Also, the person I want to be has FAITH in herself, enough confidence not to imagine the worst when he doesn't call.

Incidentally, my coworker S told me that another coworker of ours, a man, has a crush on me and wants to ask me out... and my aerobics teacher seems to have "warm inclinations" toward me lately, too... so there is definitely no reason to put all this pressure on this occasionally lukewarm relationship with this man whose mind moves much differently than mine (that is, slower and in a much more linear fashion... where I am a random thinker and gifted at multitasking, he seems much better able to focus on just one thing at a time with all of his attention... and I mean ALL of it).

Also, I'm seeing how preoccupation with this situation is reducing my presence, joy, or involvement in other important goings-on around me. I need to remember to celebrate the moment, not wish it moved faster into a time when I get this attention I'm craving so desperately.

Another friend from work, L, called earlier to invite me out with some other girls to karaoke tomorrow night. See, there's attention, there's fellowship, there's a good social evening that can validate the pleasure of my company and satisfy my need for companionship. Then there's aerobics Saturday morning and plenty of yard work and other household and work-related obligations for the rest of the weekend... and my parents sent me a generous graduation present that would allow me to go AWAY this weekend should I choose to... I have a FULL RICH life to live, and I need to ADAPT to it to survive. I don't want to be the needy little child with big eyes staring at the the thing outside of herself that she thinks will meet all her needs. UGH. That is the exact opposite of what I want... the exact opposite of all the growth since the divorce. Focus on ME instead of TCMT... and everything else should fall into place.

Peach Tea and Sympathy

Rereading the last post, I can't help but smile. Last week was a witchy week, that's for sure. More than one force was at hand affecting my thinking, and I felt like I was mired in some pretty heinous PMS. But I've learned. I have decided that the HL is simply toxic to me right now, and I am better off avoiding him for now, maybe forever. A said something about "giving my heart to the one who will not forsake me." She was talking about God, but I heard a noise in my head about men when she said that. The HL "forsook" me. He therefore no longer deserves my energy or attention... is no longer entitled to them, though sometimes it's like I can't help it. But I need NOT to concern myself with his goings-on, and the healthiest and most expeditious route to make that happen is not to know about them. I don't have to be the bigger person or do anything the hard way. So he'll be "devastated" if we aren't friends... well, that's his freaking problem, not mine.

And last night, L and I went out for some dinner after aerobics... and when I said I was "mad" at the HL but didn't want to talk about it, she still asked why, and I said, "Because you're right. Being friends is a stupid idea." At least she's classy enough not to say I told you so.

But, there has been action on the front with TCMT. I've thought about each step I've taken with him ahead of actually taking it, and some choices have surprised me... but I've got my eyes open, and at the same time, I'm terrorized... but hopeful... but scared... and exhilarated. But what's funny is seeing how palpably my focus has shifted with a man, finally, after all these years. I'm in no real rush finally to settle down simply so I have a place to belong. I do have one... not everybody in a marriage does, either... and I've learned that marriage isn't a panacea... and I am just wanting to enjoy myself, whatever form it takes. Amazing, isn't it? Potential issues? TCMT is a foreigner here on a visa, so he can't get a second job or find a more lucrative one, and his modest salary already supports his gorgeous home with a pool and a hip dysplastic dog, plus he began graduate school this summer. He's cash broke, though he does have assets at least. But maybe that's a blessing in disguise, as such circumstances effectively force me to control my more creative relationship forever-fantasies... he can't support them in practice, at least not right now, so why bother having them? Not to mention that if he's here on a visa in this post-911 world, the visa could, potentially, go away at some point. So, it's a situation that supports a "one day at a time" approach.

P and I are meeting for lunch in a couple of hours, then I will go shopping for my graduation party this weekend. My parents will be here Thursday night. Time to start thinking about MYSELF and my own obligations and accomplishments.